By The Last Airbender Kuzooka Conrad
Good morning class?
*Class stands up!* Good morning Mr. Kanabi!
Now, dear childrens, I want to teach you how to be a Kiprotich.
It has come to our notice that since Uganda celebrated 50 years, we have been able to capture 2 gold medals from the bush war we fought outside countries. This bush war has nothing to do with guns or the Eno Ara Emu but practicing chasing chicken for the visitor who came to your place in the village. Apparently that’s also the origin of Enkoku Nkulu!
Now, if you master how to chase chickens, the government sponsors you and puts you on an aeroplane to go and run alongside other people who have also learned how to chase chickens. Here’s a ten steps runs guide to teach you how to become a Kiprotich.
1. Lie about your age. We all know Kiprotich is not 23, we are not sure if he’s younger than 35 but he claims he’s 23. If you can master lying about you age, then surely you can run 42kms any day, any time. This doesn’t apply to women.
2. Work for Luzira Prisonor any other prison in the country. Do you know of anyone who has escaped from Luzira prison? Do you? No! I don’t think so! Why? Because of Kiprotich. In Luzira prison, if you want to escape, you ask for permission, and they will give it to you on condition you don’t get caught by Kiprotich.
3. Eat ka-little little. Have you heard of the saying carry your own weight? We measured Kiprotich and he’s 35 kilos but again, like he lied about his age, we can’t confirm on this. But if you know how to carry your own weight, then you surely can become a Kiprotich. This again doesn’t apply to Straka and her buddies.
4. Escape from the Kony rebels. Ask Inzikuru, she’ll tell you more on this.
5. Make sure that the UPE school you go to is 42kms away and if you don’t attend it, you get free kiboks everyday. That will teach you how to run!
6. Make sure you are from the cheetah/leopard clan (Ngo) and am not referring to the fumblers from some school with beaten down buildings.
7. Walk to Work. Now, if you used to go for these campaigns and police chased you around with pink water, then you’d have a gold medal or be like Kiprotich. So, for the next one, go and train for that gold medal.
8. Follow closely the above steps I have given you! They are very important.
9. Make sure that when they are giving birth, your wife, girlfriend, side dish, emesse is wearing canvas shoes. This is a secret. I just got it from wikileaks!
10. Go back to the village and look for the night dancer, and ask them to give you their secrets. If you can run faster than or even longer than they can chase you, then you have qualified to become a Kiprotich.
11. The last one is very crucial because this is the key to becoming a Kiprotich. Ensure there’s a toilet at the finishing line. Eat before the race, drink before the race and hold all that in. Now get on your marks, get set, and you will have a gold medal at the end of the race.
Need we say more?