Michael Scoffield in… Closet Break

By • Aug 22nd, 2013 • Category: In The News

It was reported recently, that Wentworth Miller, star of the once popular Prison Break has cut ties with the closet he has been calling home.


“As a gay man, I must decline,” Miller wrote in his letter. “I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government.”  {followed by some other newsie stuff}

In Soviet Russia, Closet comes out of you!

The news has drawn a variety of reactions from his fans with some going as far as rethinking their baby making strategy. Joining us today for an interview is The closet.


The Closet:    Thank you for having me over.

ULK:              The revelation that he was leaving you must have come as a shock, how did it go down?

The Closet:    Well, to be honest, it was a long time coming. He had become a little distant. I was accustomed to him being scowl filled, but I could sense that something
was not quite right.  But by virtue of our relationship, I suppose the signs were there.

ULK:                 How do you figure?

The Closet:    As you can see, I’m made primarily of wood. That he would take to  me so easily should have alerted me.

ULK:                 How are you handling the break up?

The Closet:    I don’t know what to say. Like I said, I should have seen it coming. I  should have read the signs…anyway, I guess it’s over.

Nze mbwasse!

Nze mbwasse!

ULK:                 Is this anything like the Ricky Martin ouster?

The Closet:    Now that you mention it, I can’t believe that I’m a fool again. But no. Ricky was never inside me to begin with.

ULK:                 Going forward, please avoid phrasing it like that.

The Closet:    Ricky didn’t hide his preference for members of the same genital group. Heck, every music video played like a personals ad…or audition, but Wenti… think about it, he was in a show where he was incarcerated, seemed to rely heavily on a gay character and had more lines adorning his body than a Van Gogh painting.

It is all so unprecedented. It’s only a matter of time before Martin Sempa comes after me accusing me of housing a resident evil.

Ricky Martin_1993

Ricky Martin. Unfamiliar with closets

ULK:                 So what happens now? What’s your plan going forward?

The Closet:    I don’t know. People are going to start thinking I have a problem. I seem to have more people coming out of me than a slut offering a clearance sale. I think I will have to pay more attention to the people I allow to enter me. Operate a Hotel California policy…

ULK:                 Once you’re in, you can never come out?

The Closet:    Huh?

ULK:                 Isn’t that the Hotel California policy?

The Closet:    Oh, I thought what happens in Vegas…

ULK:                 For a talking closet, you’re not very smart.


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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers