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The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Facebook “Likes”

By • Aug 21st, 2013 • Category: Society, WTH

Ronald Mayanja has just returned from a rigorous seminar on Facebook stuff and thought (against our better judgement) that he’d share…

“Hello there, I am new on Facebook.”

That seems like an okay status update for a starter… it has a greeting, so it’s polite. It also says you are a newbie, well, not everybody knew that, so it’s elaborate and most importantly it is grammatically correct (we will see why that’s important in a bit). It ticks all the boxes.

But what that statement really says is, “Hello, I am a virgin and I heard of this site, so I thought I’d hook up with some girls… Yes, yes, I am a jerk, but no biggie.” And you see its stuff like that that gets people blocked (in case you’ve been living under some rock, this just means the blocker will not be bothered by the same kind of posts from you anymore. It is also known as Facebook hell). Should you get any likes with such a status update, dude, go out there and buy a lottery ticket, clearly you are in bed with luck.

Be mysterious.

There's a fine line between being a paedophile and....

There’s a fine line between being a paedophile and….

“Be famous, but most importantly be mysterious. It is the stuff that people don’t know about you that makes you more interesting… this has worked for Baz. He stays away from Facebook for a while and then suddenly he says something and all the girls are pregnant for him. See, it is called Facebook but the dude has no picture on his profile… only pictures of dolls and weird looking stuff from hell. Gladly, it builds mystery hence, likes!”— Socrates

Start a page

Start a page and give it the most ridiculous name you can find. If you are not that creative, just listen in to the neighbors’ lugambo and use the entire conversation as a page name. In other words just copy and paste whatever neighbor A told neighbor B’s kid who had gone to watch TV at her house without taking a shower first.

For example… Emma Experience Your Own Shower Hour before showing up here for the BBA Shower Hour Nawe. Be in Class.

Once you are through with the name you can go on to post all kinds of stuff, from misplaced quotes to things that have nothing to do with Emma or his TV squatting tendencies sans personal hygiene.

Be warned though, these will be cartoon Likes, but it’s not a bad start for a person that is not posting pics of Mila’s Kunis.

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

Hi, you may know me by my other name- Meg Griffin

God speed.

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