Monday Massacres: BBC to be shut down

By • Jun 24th, 2013 • Category: Monday Massacres

In a move as daft as the bad guy’s decision to make small talk with the main actor before killing him, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), against James Bond’s specific instructions, aired an interview with General David Sejusa (aka Tinyefuza) last week. The interview appeared on TV only a few days after the UK denied knowing where the retired spy master was. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”

Airing the interview at a critical time like this in the world’s history means that the BBC is going to be closed down and a few employees asked to leap-frog around the office for two days. This action is in line with the closure of two newspapers in Uganda last month which published a confidential letter by the very same General Sejusa.



Attempts to interview staff at the BBC London studio, where the interview was aired, were futile since the ones who were brave enough to creep out from under their desks (where most seemed to somehow have set up toilets, diners and beds) were crying uncontrollably, making their words hard to understand. Eye witnesses outside the plush offices confirmed spotting a few new lanky individuals who repeatedly speak into their wrists.

James Bond, “I tol’ ‘em not to air it. I donno why they di’it. Now I have to go undercover to protect ém”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mercelious Kukundakwe said that indeed “…they have to pay for such an act of terrorism. They dunont(sic) no us. We are going to [Edited. ED]

By press time, we were unable to establish whether tear gas will be exported to London to quell the resulting riots or whether some will be bought from there. As impartial as this article is, we recommend the export option; our tear gas bad.

As part of the interview, the General is noted to have said “All options are open… to remove Museveni”


General Sejusa strikes a presidential pose

His new UK SIM card has not yet been activated but these options, the grapevine says, may include, but probably won’t be restricted to:

  • Hurling his moustache, like a boomerang, to Uganda to hit him
  • Sending an unseat-from-power virus via Skype
  • Borrowing Harry Potter’s broom and flying to state house to kick in the door and demand that power is handed over to him
  • Using Whatsapp to show him what’s up by delivering scary images of his moustache

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