Who Or What Is Iron Man 3?

By • May 14th, 2013 • Category: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

You have heard everyone talking about how torn they are that they went for Iron Man and found it sold out. You have seen the fire in their eyes and felt the spittle that splashed out of their mouths. You have wondered at the irony of this rain coming from water. You have stopped at the word Irony and said, “Heh.”

Let us explain.

Define Terms: Iron Man is a man called Tony Stark who made a garment two flicks ago that flies. It is like Ovlo. Muzungu Tapama. But, unlike regular Ovlo (Muzungu Tanya) this one was made of Iron, a ferrous metal mineral.

The Ovlo

The Ovlo

Why? Because then it could be used as a machine and it could fly,  shoot niggas when they are acting the fool, and stuff like that.

Did it work? Yes.

Being badass

Billion dollar badassness

What are the advantages and disadvantages of Iron Man?

Advantages include the fact that Tony Stark is a douchebag with money who doesn’t give a damn. That doesn’t sound like an advantage but you watch the way Robert Downey Jr plays it. He makes being a selfish, conceited, jerk look so cool, I am sure half the people who left the cinema were saying to themselves, “I am never going to be a nice person any more. From now on I am going to be a total prick. Yeah!”

The other half didn’t say this because they were already pricks.

In fact that is a disadvantage actually. To society at large, not to the quality of the movie.

So what are the advantages? VIOLENCE!! Lot’s of it. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Blow up stuff! Man!

Toosh toosh!

Toosh toosh…and the helicopter died

Assess the dialogue: Shane Black is the director of this film. He is known for writing world-weary elderly law enforcers who are teamed up with wild, manic, outta-control partners in unlikely companionships. Sometimes the old guy is black and the other one is white (Lethal Weapon) sometimes the other way round (Last Boy Scout.)

This time he has Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle, two of the most magnetic actors on screens today, so we expect Shane Black to give us great dialogue.

Did he deliver? No. The banter was as lively and sparkling as wet fish. Which is to say it was not.

Sounds like you didn’t like the movie:  Are you kidding? I loved it. Violence is so so glamorous! I swear. I love watching things shoot stuff and explode.

What about character development and stuff? They had two movies to develop the characters. Either this time they either didn’t feel the need to waste time on that, or Shane Black doesn’t know how to. Did I mention that this is the guy who made Lethal Weapon? Have you watched Lethal Weapon? It’s about two undeveloped characters who shoot some things and make other things explode. Only they say cool stuff while doing it.

What Happened To Samuel L Jackson? The great Samuel L Jackson was not in this movie. He was in the first two, and in fact, he was boss in the first one in spite of being in it for like only two seconds. But in this one nara.  Not even a cameo by the eye that was missing in the previous two.

And Scarlett Johanssen?: Even her. No sign. Yet she was at least one and a half stars of Iron Man 2 and The Avengers which, we have already told you was the REAL Iron Man 3. At least kko a cameo banange? Tuswala. Really.

Vice Scarlett

Although Vice Scarlett is not so bad either

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