New police disciplinary guidelines written by Inspector General of Police, Kale Kayihura, if they are to be approved, will mean that the boys in white will no longer have moustaches. Their female colleagues won’t be able to wear lipstick or short uniforms. We sent a team into the field to investigate and produce a report on the effects of lipstick, short uniforms and moustaches have on performance of a police officer. Swaibu and his teammates sent their report in this morning:
Master ULK, you all know how many female officers stopped us and they were wearing very short uniforms, batting their done-up eyelids and smacking their lipsticked lips? Cooing like they needed a hug. They were many; many like nsenene in November. Many like…
….wait, Swaibu, where did you do this research from?
(Gesturing with mouth) here here, Speke road.
But you man, we sent you to Kiira road. How are we supposed to publish this?
(Mumbling from Swaibu)
From the less graphic part of the report:
On top of all the reasons oready already listed, dear Afande, moustaches, lipstick and short iniform uniform affect your performance as an officer like so:
When you a asking for bribe, your moustache’s movement could alert the rest of the world about what you are doing. Cut it off and talk through the corner of your mouth, like your friends, without fearing being spotted
Lipstick makes drivers stare at your lips instead of the traffic lights.
You could use the moustache to hide bribes.
When you are harassing an irate rioter, if you are in a short uniform, he can be there and he touches your thigh.
If you wear a short skirt and lipstick and stop someone and tell them that you are going to punish them for being bad, they will take it the wrong way. If you take it further and ask them for “kitu kidogo” or “something small”, they may start to undress
When a crime happens and you are trying to sniff your way to a suspect, since dogs are not enough, the moustache it will not allow you to sniff.
In conclusion, the IGP is correct to propose these rules. Because all the problems in our police force, excessive use of force in riots, constantly asking for bribes, lack of even basic investigation skills, all that it is because of lipstick. And moustaches. And short iniforms uniforms.