Monday Massacres: State House Blowing Money Fast

By • Apr 22nd, 2013 • Category: Monday Massacres, Politics

You know that a legend never sleeps. He spends his hours awake lurking in the shadows, coming out to help the proverbial old lady across the pot-hole ridden street, to hand the lady fresh from the salon a pink helmet for her boda boda ride home, to give out ear-muffs to innocent taxi commuters being assaulted by Bebe Cool music, to slip adult pampers to people watching news  involving politicians(because you know, they might sheet themselves)….a legend’s work is never done.

One legend did heavy investigative, undercover, secret, hush-hush work to find out what the state house spends dollar-dollar bills on. From the Daily Monitor, below are the amounts of our money spent every day by State House. The Monitor left out the bit about exactly what the money is spent on….this is where the Legend  stepped in. See for yourself.

Showing you the money

[ulk-credit]Stuart Miles /[/ulk-credit]
Showing you the money

6.2 million Shillings ($2,480) daily in special meals and drinks

The super beings in State House have three-course meals. No gasps there.

For starters, they eat money and wash it down with a glass of juice made from the sweat of sirloin bugs from the Amazon.

For the main course, for superhuman strength, see-through-mini-skirts vision, strong teeth and to be able to breathe underwater as they fight for Migingo Island, they eat only fish cross-bred with lion and gorilla sperm. The special special officers have Superman’s sperm for dessert.

15.3 million Shillings ($6,120)  daily on entertainment

They are secretly buying all the mini skirts. By press time, we were unable to establish what their grand plan is.

Some of the money on entertainment goes to Pygmies they fly in every lunch time to do gymnastics.

Because the powers that be “OMG we totally luurrvve Riri” (and also because they are such wankers), they fly in the teenage star every month as part of the entertainment budget. She’s  under instructions to wear military fatigues and to recite the one line she had in Battleship.

Every fortnight, to complement the dancing pygmies, they also hire actual angels to do accapellas.


Hallelujah my fine gotta pay

[ulk-credit]Charisma /[/ulk-credit]
Hallelujah my fine ass…yes Sevo, you gotta pay

26 million Shillings ($10,400) daily on vehicle maintenance

At that amount, they could buy a vehicle a day. We discovered that they are maintaining the Bat Mobile. Batman secretly works with Museveni (gasp!). Take that Kenya! Talks are underway to get Tony Stark in line.

340,000 Shillings daily on newspapers

They read all the newspapers in the nation to ensure that the level of journalism is world-class. They then correct typos, do some editing and send feedback to the newspapers.

709.5 million Shillings  ($283,800) daily on classified items

They have a small nuclear plant that uses Uranium reserves made out of the poop of state house staff; you can’t work in the state house, be paid all that money, eat that three-course meal and poop poop. You must sheet Uranium. Or diamonds.

They have a research institute that makes pigs fly.

They contact ET on a regular for him to come over and touch them…ehhm, because his touch heals. Or they like being touched.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people