I Hear That Golola Won. Golola Who?

By • Apr 22nd, 2013 • Category: In The News, Sports

Golola Moses Of Uganda, one of the nation’s most famous joking subjects, in spite of his own denials, had a fight this weekend which, wonder of wonders, he actually won. This was such a shock that we had to go straight to the garage to set up a skype interview.


Contrary to popular belief, a joking subject

Not pictured: jock strap 

First of all, welcome back from where losers be.

Thank you. Rachael K sends her greetings. Nti I should tell you to inform Uganda that she didn’t make it into American Idol. As if anyone expected her to.

Now, Golola, we noticed that in this fight you changed tactics from the ones you have used in your previous fights. In your other fights you usually use a tactic called “sucking”, but this time you decided to try something new. Talk to us about that.

Yes, in this fight I decided to change it up a bit just to show that Golola Moses of Uganda has diversity. Usually, I go in the ring and I get my ass beaten like that of a stepchild who has been caught stealing sugar, but I don’t want to keep doing the same thing over and over. So this time I decided to do something new, namely, to put my foot on the opponents body and see what happens.

And it was quite a surprise. We had come to expect that the Golola Moses method was to talk a massive pile of bullshit before the fight and then go in the ring to take a few naps on the floor. So what inspired this new technique?

Well, all people evolve. You cannot expect to stay at the same level. From my previous fights everybody knew that I had already mastered the level of receiving the other guy’s kicks and punches. I was a pro at that. So I had to move to the next level, which was of kicking back.

Mmm. Fight a bit you have learned to, Moses Golola

Mmm. Fight a bit you have learned to, Moses Golola


So this was the first time you tried kicking back? I seem to remember you trying to kick Nagy in that other fight…

No, that is a common misconception. I was not trying to kick him. That was ballet. He didn’t even feel pain. I was just caressing his pretty white face.

Now, I didn’t watch the match of course, because, like many Ugandans, I concluded long ago that watching Golola Moses matches is a waste of time. Gary Coleman died: life is short #jcole. When I heard on twitter that you had not lost I was quite surprised. What about you? How did you feel?

I was also very shocked. You know, when I kicked him the first time and he felt pain, I didn’t know what to do. I had never experienced such a thing before. So I remembered the words of my trainer had said to me before the fight.

What did he say?

He said, “Golola why don’t you give up on kickboxing and just go and become a radio presenter at one of those stations which pay for people with the fake accents and no talent to go and flap their big mouths for hours making no sense?”

I have always wondered the same thing myself. Why don’t you go to <<Editor has removed the name of the station because he has relatives who work there>>? They love idiots who pull axa with broken English.


An intended pun

An intended pun


You wait. I am still telling you. I remembered the words of my trainer, then I remembered the words of my chef, who was speaking to the kaboy who serves me porridge. The chef always says, “More him on” when they are putting my porridge in my basin for breakfast. So I mored the muzungu on.

And it worked?

He tried to retaliate, but as we have established, I am so used to being punched and kicked that his painful blows were just boring me. So I was able to continue beating him up until I won.

So now that you are no longer a colossal disappointment to the republic of Uganda, what is next?

I am going to Kigali to look at Rwandan women.

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