An Ipsum is a Toyota seven-seater minivan that is the worst-driven car in Uganda. Ask Kalungi Kabuye, a veteran journalist who knows what he is talking about.
This is the Urban Legend 12-Step Guide To Nearly Anything, where we teach you How To Drive An Ipsum.
1. Get an ipsum through one of the following methods:
a) Buy one (And don’t forget to register with URA)
b) Steal one (And don’t register it with URA, otherwise that is just snitching on yourself and what kind of crime is that? Uganda has enough embarrassing shit going on without this)
2. Get inside the vehicle and check the fuel, lights, battery and ensure that it is in good mechanical condition before you take it to our Ugandan roads.
3. Get all your morals, common sense, reason and logic.
4. Roll down the Ipsum window.
5. Throw the items mentioned in point three the fuck out of that window. With force and verve. Like you hate them and never want to see them again. Throw them out like this.
6. Then slap yourself hard on one side of your face. Make it so hard that one eyeball swivels out of alignment with the result that the iris is now pointing at least sixty degrees in a different direction from the other.
7. Now slap the other side with similar force. Good. Now you when you look forwards you just see your own hair and ears.
9. Start the car and get on the roads where the innocent members of the rest of the Kampala public are merely trying to get on with their lives.
10. Try to murder them all. Drive as if you hate the road. If you see a single traffic rule, tell that rule to go screw its whole village cos you don’t give a shit. Indicators are for people who don’t have more important things to do with their fingers and you are a busy person. You are too busy driving an freaking ipsum to indicate biki.
11. Either drive too slowly when there is no room to overtake you. Or drive too fast and make everyone else fall in a ditch. If it is night make sure your headlamps are DOING THIS. DRIVERS WITH FULL BEAMS ALL THE TIME ARE LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. AAAAAARGHHH!
12. Make even taxi drivers complain about the way you drive.
That is how to drive an ipsum.