Once upon a time, such as January, for example, there lived a guy called Mose. Mose was stressed because it was hot.
The weather in his city, one called Kampala, was blazing. Thirty degrees were commonplace. The heat was not just hot, it was aggressive. It was mean. It was mean, aggressive, nasty violent heat. It was heat that didn’t just burn you, it slapped your head with heat and insulted your family members with heat.
Mose asked the heat, what’s wrong with you?
The heat replied, “Bibuuze nyoko.”
As a proud Kampalan, a person who upholds the rich heritage of Kampalans, a person who is an heir of the culture of Kampala city and all that culture pertains, Mose was not going to take this. So he did what Kampalans do when the weather acts stubborn. He got on his phone and called Mukono.
“Doctor, these ends we are dying of heat. Do something, man, #konshens.”
“Heat? Heh heh. I thought in Kampala you have air conditioning. Heh heh. You be pausing on us.”
“Nigga, that is POSING. Pausing means something else. But that is why your doctorate is not in English studies. Now, you, let us talk business. How much ?”
“Let me talk to the guys. You know I am just a bulooka in these matters.”
So the doctor went to the lake, took out his eggs, called out the names of the relevant ancestors (I am afraid we cannot repeat them here because the ancestors have Trademark laws) and the ground shook and there was a rumbling sound and the wind roared and out of the tumult a voice said,
“To copy this caller tune, press hash.”
Then the voice of the ancestor was heard:
“O ancient one, it is I, the mulogo/musawo from among humans.”
“Some rain please.”
“Rain? Kawa. Just bring me three white goats, two chicken heads and a Black Eyed Peas CD and it’s a deal.”
“Oh Ancient One, osaaga. Sala kko nawe. Two goats and a chicken. And these days who listens to CDs? We have MP3.”
“If you want rain, you bring my goats and my chicken. And the phat beats from Will.I.Am.”
“Two goats? Say two goats and I bring like three Black Eyed Peas albums. Nonstop mix.”
“Okay, two goats, but two chicken and my mix and it’s a deal.”
Then the doctor whatsapped Mose in town.
“Anzestaz se de wnt scrfs ov svn gtz n fr chkn n u gt trntz ov bep.”
Mose replied, as you would expect, by saying,
The doctor typed,
“I said that nzestrz sa e wunt sucrfayz ov sevan gotz n fo kyiken n u g tornz ov bep.”
Mose typed again,
“You have just made it worse. Let’s just do proper English so as to save time. It is too hot for me to get a headache here in January.”
The doctor typed:
“I said that the ancestors want a sacrifice of nine goats and eight chicken. Also, can you torrent for me Black Eyed Peas albums, like three of them?”
“Sz gt gh rmed wr!”
It didn’t mean anything. It is just that sometimes when someone types at you like that, you want pay back.
Mose collected the goats as well as the chicken using the high crime rate and rate of corruption in Uganda. The witchdoctor delivered the two-two and kept his njawulo, because business is business, and also kept a copy of the BEP albums.
The result is what you see now. Even Bebe Cool got rained on during his Kiwatule concert. People in Naalya were so happy.