Dear Ugandan fashion designers,
Welcome to this post. Glad you could make it to the internet today to read it. Sit your punk asses down. This is very important.
For the first time in our nation’s history, in fact for the first time in your lives, we actually need you. Up to now you have been completely useless divas who practice pointless craziness up and down the city without being of any value to anybody but your own misguided egos. You have not been respected by anyone except those who pretend they see the point in making dresses out of metal sheets and bikini bottoms out of barkcloth. Everyone else knew that you were stark raving mad and we only went to the shows to see the parts of the model which you left uncovered, meaning, of course, the legs.
But now, for once, now we need you.
Uganda is very good at finding ways to cope with hot weather, sartorially speaking. We get T-shirts, we get shorts, we get sandals, we get sundresses, we get caps and hats. We sort ourselves out.
But every time cold weather arrives we, as a city, act as if we are seeing this shit for the first time. Nga we don’t understand what is going on. We as a city say, “What the hell is this!”
And we run around in our high heels and sunglasses wondering how to get away from it.
This is why we decided to call upon you guys. We need someone to provide Ugandans with clothes to wear when it rains.
I was going to say get creative but to you people creative means sticking feathers on a calabash and calling it a hat, so no. Don’t get creative.
We did some research to find out why I can buy sunglasses at any time of the day or night in Kampala whether I want to or not but to this day I still don’t know which hawker sells raincoats. I know where they sell umbrellas, but history, from ancient times to just yesterday, the last time you tried to use an umbrella, has shown that umbrellas only protect the top part of your head from the rain but everything from the lower chest downwards is open to as much water as musoke decides.
We need you to make raincoats fashionable so that hawkers can sell them and so we don’t need to go all the way downtown to buy them. By the time you reach Owino and find the raincoat it will be too late.
Just get a duvet with one side waterproof, put a label on it and act as if it is glamorous and soon there will be no social stigma attached to walking around wrapped in one when it rains. You can call it a Mawl –or man-shawl — if you want, no copyright infringement.
In fact, put Fubu logos on gumboots so that we can walk around in gumboots all day without chicks sneering and refusing to give us their numbers.
In fact, I have it. I have the answer.
Now, imagine a condom that was big enough to fit a whole person inside. I am sure some of you spend a lot of time thinking about huge condoms (you know what I mean I mean to insunuate that some of you are gay and think about male genitalia in case you didn’t know what I meant). If there was some kind of giant condom with sleeves and which we could just put on when it rains… do you see where this is going? We could save Uganda with this! Economic productivity, which pretty much dips into negative when it rains around here, will skyrocket because of the rain body condoms or whatever name you decide to call them and it will be all thanks to the fashion industry.
And the best part is, you will finally be making something that people ACTUALLY NEED.
Just make it out of plastic. Don’t use metal or barkcloth and don’t stick any feathers on it.