Drinking Kwete: Why Ugandans Make Laws That Never Work

By • Mar 20th, 2013 • Category: Society

Do you know Uganda? If you watched the movie Skyfall, we are located around that part where Daboloseven goes to the bad guy’s home and they talk. And we be in their conversation. That’s Uganda. G-G-G-G-G-Geee Uuunit!!!

The world knows us for bad music, forced accents, election rigging and lots of other awesome things. What they don’t know, however, is actually the most awesome thing about us. We never mean anything we say.

When you walk up to a chick and she says “I’ve hahad! Me for me stop familiaring me”, what she means is “Buy me alcohol and I’ll feel obliged to go home with you”.  When we say a minister should be imprisoned for being corrupt, what we mean is he should go home immediately and think about what he has done.

Mikey Mookey

That is how we’ve managed to make many laws that work for only an hour or two and disappear. For example:

 

What we said in 2010: No more entering a crowded place without being checked for firearms.

What it meant: If you have a gun, a bomb, a line from Rabadaba’s lyrics or anything that could harm others, we will find it, arrest you and charge you with intent to destroy lives. Also, if you have a phone, a belt, coins or anything that could make our detector do chweee, we will… look at you suspiciously and touch you in places.

What we actually meant: Don’t sweat it. We just want to look busy. If you really have a deadly weapon, just put it anywhere in your car. We don’t check cars. We just look at them. I mean, what’s the worst a car can do? It can’t even get pissed.

 

What we said in 2011: No more walking to work.

What it meant: If you have no car, call your boda guy. If your boda guy is sick, look for a spider, tell it to bite you, turn into Spiderman and sling cobwebs to work. If you must walk, move with a doctor’s chit permitting you to use your legs.

What we actually meant: It’s okay. You can walk to work. Just move with compelling evidence that you’re not Kizza Besigye.

 

What we said in 2012: No more using polythene bags.

What it meant: If you’re going shopping, you better have big hands. Yeah, that’s right! Most shops don’t have paper bags but we don’t want you using polythene bags anyway. They are bad for the environment. We won’t take measures in stopping their supply cos we’re lazy (LOL) but still. Don’t.

What we actually meant: Naaah, you can use them. Just as long you don’t make it so obvious that you don’t care what we say. Giving a poop

What we said in 2013: No more walking while drunk.

What it meant: If you can’t get someone to drive you home, lock your car properly, leave it at the bar and get back inside the bar. It’s rude to drink and go home when there’s more alcohol at the bar.

What we actually meant: Never mind. You know our TV at the police station got spoilt. So sometimes it gets boring and we play “Truth Or Enforce A Random Law” to pass time.

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  • Kitacheri

    #Dead mbu ”If you have no car, call your boda guy. If your boda guy is sick, look
    for a spider, tell it to bite you, turn into Spiderman and sling cobwebs
    to work.” You ninjas just make me happy