While cardinals smoked shisha in the Vatican before announcing the new pope, I sat back and thought to myself, “Who do they think they are not to elect a Ugandan pope? Who’s got the keys to ma beemer? Who let the dogs out?”
The thoughts started quarrelling over who came first so I had to focus on just the first one. The Ugandan pope one. And then Moses came down from the mountains with two stone tablets that had ten reasons why the cardinals would rather elect a rockstar Argentinian called Ninja Jorge Super Mario “Papa Franco” Bergoglio instead of a shady Ugandan called Yokosaani John-Baptist Ssebabi.
1. A Ugandan pope would start by asking how much he’ll be earning from the job before he accepts it.
2. Immediately he is crowned, he would look for the nearest microphone to give a speech thanking his homies and girlfriend back home for believing in him and then diss his haters.
3. He would release a lugaflow track cos he believes it will make him even more famous worldwide.
4. He would call his parents and, with an American accent, assure them that he has gone outside countries for kyeyo and will be sending money soon.
5. He would start a fully-fledged system of government with a Vice Pope, ministers and MPs and warn opposition against causing chaos in his regime.
6. He would install a sub-woofer in his car and ask to drive himself when going on official visits. People need to know that he’s now in things.
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7. He wouldn’t let them change his name cos it’s boring and he fears he’ll have trouble with the passport office. But if they really had to, they’d have to use the cool one he uses on Facebook.
8. Money for church projects would disappear from the Vatican and no one would ever know how.
9. He would always look forward to Fridays cos he never really wants to work. He would even ask sinners to stop being lazy and pray for themselves or just stop sinning.
10. He would never retire. He’s a revolutionary. He would not even die. Death is for non-forward thinking people and it’s not really his thing.