KAMPALA- Following the staggering revelation that the police intend to arrest drunken pedestrians is a report that plans are underway to apprehend people found sober in bars and pubs.
The move, an anonymous source said, is intended to curb the spike in smug texts being dispatched by designated drivers and people too broke to have a good time.
“We have noticed a worrying trend where individuals have taken to send messages to their friends with hangovers, berating them and chastising them for having what people have since resorted to calling ‘nice time’. What’s alarming is that some of these messages are sent as early as 9am before the hangover has even made its presence felt”.
Understandably, members of the public have responded with considerable ire.
“This is a load of wolokoso. We have rights. If I can’t walk in to a bar and caress a bottle of flavoured mineral water, then what’s the point of even stepping out? If I wanted to be patrolled, I would have stayed in the dorm or gone for preps. They won’t knock the hustle, Swag for life!” said a would-be reveller.
The plan itself may pose even greater consequences with beggars already worried that they may have to lose their spots on the streets to the more privileged members of society attempting to evade the police.
Said one Streetsider, “Wabula eno fitina. Balabye nti tebasobola tuja mu Kampala eno, kati basazewo nti batekewo overpopulationi batulemesse. Birari fakini”. Attempts to have this translated have proven futile, but from what this reporter was able to piece together, the street dwellers feel that this is an attempt to use overpopulation to clean up the street and curb the burgeoning “Tap-Tap” business model that sees enterprising individuals paid for tapping on the windows of drivers and holding out their hands..
The flesh peddling industry has received the news with mixed reactions observing that while people are now afraid of going in to bars and there will certainly be a wider variety of prospective clientele to pick from, profit margins are going to dip now that their prospective customers will have full control of their faculties.
The furor over the initial announcement that pedestrians shall be arrested if found drunk hasn’t died down either, with some members of the public now devising means to have a good time without being found on the wrong side of the law.
“They think they have got us, but they are wrong. We shall overcome. As it stands, plans are underway to elevate house parties to full blown slumber parties,” a young man intimated, “The trick is usually finding a venue for these things, but we were lucky that right in the nick of time an offer to make use of his quarters was extended by a Mr. Mubiru…”.
A copy of the exclusive invitation that was extended did in fact seem legit, with the only condition being that this was ‘strictly an all-boys night with no slots for females.’ The text said that the only openings available were for ‘male members’. The abbreviation “BYOB” has caused some confusion as there’s a line right next to it that indicates that ‘drinks will be provided in abundance’. By the time we went to press, our experts were still probing the significance of the ‘Blue Band’ iconography lining the bottom of the missive.
Members of the opposition are unusually guarded about offering an opinion on the matter. “I could be wrong, but I suspect that since they keep failing to catch me among the walk to work people, they have devised this as a ploy to arrest me,” offered a one Kenneth Lukyamuzi, “I’m moving with calculated steps in the time being, but as soon as the election fracas next door dies down, I intend to go over and have high-level talks with my ally for an independent view on things…”
The police have refused to relent with a spokesperson saying that they are still committed to preserving the lives of the citizens, “We are going to look after the wanainchi even if for them they don’t want. We have started with these ones who drink alcohol, but shall soon be cracking down on even those who try to bypass us by chasing sugar rushes. In fact as we speak right now, we are monitoring nursery schools so we can nip it in the bud….”.