Kenya Decided: Updates All Day, Baby. Update Your Bundle

By • Mar 5th, 2013 • Category: In The News, Newsworthy

 3:39pm

The number of rejected votes is scary.  BBC says mbu:

More than 250,000 spoiled ballots have been counted so far, the IEBC noted with concern – double the number of votes cast for the third-placed candidate, Musailia Mudavadi, who trailed far behind with just over 130,000 votes, or 3%.

Musalai

Sasa wewe, uli Vote rejected instead of me?

Rejected stands a better chance of being president. If only he’d campaigned

1:39pm

Message from Kenyans in The Diaspora

 

 

Curtis “50 Cent” Wafula

"Mulembe?"

“Mulembe?”

I jus wanna wish all my Kenyan niggas peaceful-ass elections, and congratulate y’all on votin for niggaz. Cos on da real, we need dat democracy shit to be poppin. Now, I ain’t been to Kenya in a while, but my ancestors be comin from Bungoma, knowmsayin. My grandpa be a Luhya, as you can see, I look just like him.

Now I just hope that the new president, President Hulu Canada will do some ill shit to help niggas of Kenyan descent in the diaspora, knowwhamsayin, by arrestin all y’all criminals who be piratin’ my music and sharin’ MP3s without buying my CDs. That’s my message. GGGGGG-UNIT!

 

 

Rihanna Wanjiru

Ere me now. Me bin com inna di Barbados but mi fadder dem com from Murang’a inna di Kenya. So me wan wish all dem Kenyan especially mi cousin Ciku, mi cousin Wairimu, an mi aunty Sheila Kwamboka. Yo Sheila, ya legs dem still na better dan mine. Me see ya tryin record some songs an become singer like me. It run inna di family. Yo. Congratulations inna di vote. Hope ya new president gets a good foreign affairs minister an ya get a visa.

Seriously, that's Kwambox' music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

Seriously, that’s Kwambox’ music video to the right. Click the link for the youtube. You will regret it.

 

Wiz Khalifa 

Don’t deport me, Obama. I don’t want to go back.

 

12:47 pm

CMB PREZZO CONTESTS ELECTIONS, THREATENS TO STOP SINGING.

Real Kenyan President CMB Prezzo has vowed to stop releasing new songs if a new president is sworn in without his consent. Speaking to ULK on condition of anonymity, His Excellency Prezzo said he officially took over power years back when he changed his name to Prezzo.

“That’s real democracy, my friend, unaelewa?” he stated. “And I was sworn in when they started buying my CDs.” Prezzo also expressed great disappointment that his name did not even appear on the ballot paper. “The only way I participated in this election was when Maina Kageni played one of my tracks in the car that was taking my friends to the polling station. Someone rigged this election.”

Prezzo

Prezzo appealed to the Uganda Electoral Commission of Kenya, IEBC to look into the matter immediately or risk losing all access to his awesome music and throwing the land of primitive energy back to the 1800s when the British used Kenyans as slaves because there was no Prezzo.

 

 

11:29 am

EVIL WESTERN MEDIA DISTORTS ELECTIONS

 

OOrrrdingrrrr...

OOrrrdingrrrr…

With provisional presidential election results from Kenya coming in placing Uhuru Kenyata in the lead, radio and TV journalists in America have began biting their tongues practicing how to say his name. So far 80 per cent of  CNN’s newsroom have reached the level where they say “Ken Yarra”, which, is a drastic improvement from two weeks ago when it was mostly “Keenie Yarder”.

Many journalists spoken to by ULK expressed some anxiety over the lead of Uhuru Kenyatta, saying they would have preferred president Rayler O’Dinger or Paul Moyter, or even better, Paul Kenneth to win the presidency of Kenya.

“We in America know Hulu as a website for watching videos. Now they tell us it’s gonna be an African president? That’s why we never write nothing positive about y’all Africans!” said the Wolf Blitzer on condition of anonymity.

 

10: 05 am

KIBAKI STILL PRESIDENT, KENYAN VOTERS SHTUKARING.

 

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kibaki on his way to office ths morning. Or maybe that is Yoda

Kenyans in who just concluded voting in their general elections, which included elections to select a new president, registered shock and disbelief when they woke up this morning to find out that Mwai Kibaki, who had lead the nation for two terms, was still president. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one such Kenyan had this to say: “Ala? Ati wot? Manze!”

Officials from the Kenyan Electoral Commision, Kenyan Umeme,* explained that this was due to a legal loophole, a technicalitly that allows Kibaki to remain president until the inauguration ceremony when the new president is sworn in.

Speaking on condition of a little bit less anonymity the Kenyan mentioned above, now called Mwangi, said: “Oh. Iz okay then. Manze I had shtukad. I woz like the president is not going? Kwani thiz has become Uganda?”

The official from Kenyan UMEME explained that “shtukad” means “Mbadde neekanze!”, or “Nanateina!” or “Alworo!”

For readers in Kenya, who don’t get the UMEME reference, UMEME is the Uganda electricity company. There is a guy called Sseya in Ug who thinks that elections are catered by the electrical commission… but banange, when you explain the joke… Just lol.

 

 

Liking this article is what happens to cool people