We have looked on as the Kenya elections have inched closer and closer…like that smelly guy in the matatu you don’t want to talk to. Us here in Uganda we have done these things of elections for many years. So many, even James Bond knows it.
Skyfall Quotes: Interrupt transmissions from a spy satellite over Kabul? Done! Rig an election in Uganda, all to the highest bidder.
So we are good at these things. We know it. The world knows it. It is from this high, white, well-fed horse that we deliver tips on how to do an election…and do it right *queue victory music*
1. Deploy the army everywhere
You shouldn’t be able to turn to scratch yourself in a matatu , a mathree if you will, without hitting the butt of a gun. The army should be in every nook and manhole. At the supermarket, the ladies at the checkout counters should be army women; in the bank, the pretty teller that makes you queue endlessly just to get there and attempt for the nth time to get her number…she and her colleagues should be replaced with army men. What do you need money for? It is election time bwana! Go vote!
2. All music should be liberation music
All these fluffy jams by sijui Prezzo, Mad Traxxx na P-Unit…no no no. Only liberation music should be playing. If your president can drop a jam (and let it be known that Kibaki dropping a jam would be so epic, North Korea would shut down its nuclear tests and opt to send his music to America instead. If he can use ‘ama let you finish lakini…’ as the chorus, platinum )
3. Leave some names out of the register
What is the point of having 15 million people vote? For what? Useless. Tumbavu. Only a handful of people should vote…of course there is no use riling up people by telling them this. No no. Just don’t include them in the register.
But Sleek, they’ll stand in the scorching sun for several hours waiting to vote….
Umm, we gave them a public holiday. What else would they rather be doing eh?
Bbbbbuttt they’ll fight and beat us up…
Refer to point 1
4. Counting votes is for pansies
In Africa, we have no time…and we aren’t pansies. You could be counting votes then a lion springs out of the bushes nearby and devours you. Time is too precious to count votes. Use intuition; read people’s faces as they scrutinize the ballot paper. Then declare a winner.
This is not entirely about the election itself…but about the aftermath. There will be a winner. There will be sore losers. Shut them up. Court. Radio. TV. Wherever they go, shut them up. Then on to the fun part…PARTEY!!
Throw a party so epic, Kim and Ye should call for tips. And if the party budget is anything below $10m, you aren’t doing something right. You are a shame to all Africans everywhere. Off to the naughty corner.