The Academy Awards…As We Saw Them

By • Feb 26th, 2013 • Category: Entertainment

You probably didn’t catch it last night, but Hollywood performed an annual rite that sees men and women come together to wrap their hands around a little gold man who shares a name with a disgraced athlete. Where as Mr. Pistorius has the benefit of being assumed innocent until otherwise {and we really pray for the best}, the Academy has acknowledged the time put in by all those actors and actresses that were beamed to our screens thanks to the cinematical miracle that is piracy.

We figure you won’t be able to catch a repeat of the show, or worse yet don’t really care for supporting the DVD-Writing business downtown, so you probably haven’t a clue as to who won for what. Here’s a quick run-down;

BEST PICTURE – Unfortunately the recipient of this award remained anonymous, but we shall say this much, he is the unsung hero behind those little perverted shots that have been circulating on our phones in our whatsapp accounts. The one that took the cake has a young man dancing with a young woman whilst performing a breast cancer test and gynecological procedure at the same. Damn. Time. We salute you sir. Sick though you may be, you were not caught.

BEST DIRECTOR – This one was a tie. Up first is some random Boda Boda guy, who we shall assume was called Mehdi helped me move from point A to point B without giving in to the temptation to incorporate vectors and scenic routes. I managed to arrive at my destination with no problems and nary a shred of dignity taken away. Mehdi, I don’t know who you are, but thanks.

Also, whoever was responsible for the beautiful islands with little trees and patches of manicured grass in the middle of our roads- specifically the stretch from New Vision’s Offices down to UMA… wait, the award is not for the designer or landscape engineer, but rather the individual who directed the funds to their rightful purpose. Well done.

Best Actor – Whoever announced that our goats had gone missing. You’ve got to give it to this character, seriously. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I announce that my car keys have initiated a game of hide and go seek, this gentleman on the other hand seemed genuinely concerned as he delivered the line, “Our goats are being stolen and what’s worse is that they take them when they are still babies. I kid you not…”

BEST ACTRESS – Any black chick that can not for the life of Pi, string along a full sentence in the English language, but can somehow profess her undying love for the foreigners who come to soak up the sun. How they manage to pull this feat off is a work of art and is the stuff that great fiction is made of.  Mugyebare, you have earned those Visas and we wish you the best in your next role in “The Foreigner In Me”.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – This one was for the member of parliament that actually stays awake during those long tedious sessions that are undoubtedly designed to put cups of coffee to sleep. You keep your tired eyes open so that the guy next to you can catch some shut eye. You are not paid enough for this, but you’re not in it for the money, no. You just want some you time and an opportunity to make a difference. And you have, we don’t have to endure “This is Parliament” alone.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – This one is for the lady that gives you a hand when you are weak… when you fail to get back on your feet. This is the same lady who will express concern when you have no companion, always eager to find out whether ‘you have company’. We salute you madam and as we hand over this award, we look back fondly at the other things we have handed over as you have gazed into our eyes, hands supporting our wallet and saying, “Customer….”

Around this time the drink kicked in or my electricity went off, one way or another, there was a blackout. Guess you’re going to have to pick up that DVD, afterall.




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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers