Everyone wants to know when he will retire but no one seems to know when he actually will. Not even himself. Some say goats ate his retirement plan while others say he retires every night when no one is looking.
We caught a drooling reporter having sex with one of the missing government goats and told him to support our laziness by helping us interview the president or we reveal where he works.
Here’s President Museveni’s interview with a Red Pepper reporter.
Environmental Problem: When are you leaving the seat?
Museveni: Most people start with introductions and…
EP: Twakowa! When are you leaving the seat?
M7: What do you mean? To go to the toilet or?
EP: No. Leaving the chair.
M7: I always do. When I’m going for a meeting.
EP: No! Leaving the presidential seat.
M7: But it’s mine. Why would I leave it?
EP: To let someone else take over.
M7: But it’s a president’s seat and I’m the president.
EP: Maybe it’s time you let another president take over.
M7: But other presidents are in other countries.
EP: Sir, it’s called democracy.
EP: Democracy. Means ordinary citizens can also become presidents. Are you ever going to giving them a chance?
EP: Depends on what?
M7: I don’t get the question.
EP: You said your retirement depends on something. What’s that?
M7: Oh this? My new watch. Madam gave it to me on Valentine’s Day. We went for Swiriri.
EP: Let’s stick to the subject please.
M7: Yes, the watch. She said it gives me swagger.
EP: The question was, are you ever going to give ordinary citizens a chance at the presidency?
M7: What’s in it for me?
EP: As a leader, you’re supposed to focus on the people.
M7: I do. I focus my power on them.
EP: Does that mean you won’t leave?
M7: Is the interview over?
M7: I’ll leave when it’s over.
Two weeks later
EP: Please leave my office.
M7: No! Until I find a proper replacement.
EP: Until you f…the interview ended two weeks ago!
M7: Were you there when we were fighting in the bush?
M7: I single-handedly discovered oil in Uganda.
EP: (Confused stare)
M7: You want another rap?