There are going to be national presidential elections in Kenya in a very short while. Kenyan elections are important to the region and we must keep informed and up to date about them. We here at the think tank known as Urban Legend have compiled a quick cheat sheet to help you get up to speed. Everything you need to know about the Kenyan Elections. Thank us later.
Location: Kenya is an African country. It is located around Nairobi. Those ends.
Population: Kenya has a very diverse population, including: Jua Cali, Nameless, Judge Ian, McKonner from The Hostel, IAAF Runners who got served by Kiprotich at the Olympics, Jeff Koinange, Sheila Kwambox, her legs, some lions, Binyavanga Wainaina and Eric Wainaina who may or may not be the same person, Wangari Maathai and others.
Economy: Kenya has the largest economy in East Africa, three times as large as Uganda’s. It is based on agriculture, manufacturing and exports. These exports include:
- KIU Students
- Rugby Players who come to sleep with our campus chicks
- Blue Band
- Supermarkets to put in large malls.
Kenya also has a large tourism sector contributing largely to its vibrant economy. But we Ugandans are encroaching on their turf big time. Soon we will steal all their bazungu because, while they have the beach, we have gorillas. Tourists prefer gorillas. Gorillas rule!
Kenya is a republic governed by a parliamentary democracy that is elected by universal adult sufferage. The word “elections” in various Kenyan languages is:
- Luo: Elekson
- Kikuyu: Erenkzon
- Kamba: Heregdon
- Nairobi International School: Lekshin
Other Languages: Most Kenyans speak Swahili, a very cool language.
Political Parties: There are some of the parties.
- Cord: A string or rope used to hold bits of wood together.
- Wiper: An Indian snake.
- Odium: Self-explanatory
- T n’A: Tits and Ass.
- Ford Prefect: A political party
- Kaddu: Last we heard of Kaddu he was going to Kenya to collect some bikes from the coast and import them. Now nti he is a party? Kyokka Ugandans can hustle.
- Amani coalition: Noted for it’s motto “Tonight I’m letting go” a song about finally allowing its boyfriend to have sex with it.
- Mwai Kibaki: He is the incumbent. We were told that he is constitutionally barred from standing for a third term, but to us Ugandans those words are just gibberish.
- Raila Odinga: He was recently seen in Kampala. He might have gotten some tips from Sevo and will therefore win the elections. Museveni is like Michael Jordan of elections.
- Uhuru Kenyatta: We urge Kenyans not to vote for him because it will be difficult for Ugandan teachers to carry out SST lessons if he is president. To illustrate, here is an example of a classroom in the hypothetical future where Uhuru Kenyatta has won State House.
Teacher: Da president of Kenya oyo Muwuulu. Evlebody say.
Students: Da president of Kenya muwuulu.
Teacher: Good. Now line up and I cane you all because I am probably a sexual deviant of some sort, given the degree of pleasure I seem to derive from caning small children at the slightest opportunity.
- Paul Kenneth: Doesn’t sound like a very good idea.
- CMB Prezzo: Unfortunately, nobody can vote for him as president because the whole of Africa already refused to vote for him to win Big Brother.