The Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee is gearing up to unleash Satan’s very own Hell upon whoever is responsible for the disappearance of 30,000 thousand goats from The Presidential Goats Project, a poverty alleviation initiative that supplies goats to 100 plus farmers in Sembabule District. Or would, if the goats had had any visible offspring.
Here is our transcript of the proceedings which haven’t happened yet as meticulously imagined by our keyboard reporter.
PAC OFFICIAL 1: Okay let’s get this started, send in the wretch. Let’s roast him.
Secretary sends in a shivering and sweaty clerk or archivist excavated from some unknown basement somewhere at the Ministry of Agriculture.
PAC OFFICIAL 1: Don’t you chaps at the Ministry know that our President’s vision includes the reduction of poverty through the multiplication of goats? Why are you obstructing the big man’s vision, why are you stopping the nation’s goats from enjoying regular sex?
Ministry of Agriculture Official: That is the farthest thing from our minds sir, personally nothing makes me happier than goats fckunig.
PAC OFFICIAL 2: Good, then if that is the case, are you secretly importing goat condoms and sneaking them on the goat penises?
Ministry of Agriculture Official: No.
PAC OFFICIAL 1: Are you fertilizing the grasses of Sembabule with crushed PilPlan Tablets?
Ministry of Agriculture Official: No Sir.
PAC OFFICIAL 2: So why has the Ministry neglected its responsibility? Is there perhaps something you are hiding from us? Maybe goats?
Ministry of Agriculture Official:I don’t know sir.
PAC OFFICIAL 3: (removing his spectacles with a heavy sigh) : at this juncture, I propose we initiate Legislative Protocol #42 For The Punishment of Wayward Government Officials.
Gentlemen, I say it’s time to probe this fool.
The motion is unanimously carried. The sacrificial lamb from the Ministry is taken to the probe room.
PAC OFFICIAL 1: Send in the next witness
Secretary ushers in matronly looking goat. The goat jumps straight into the proceedings, doesn’t even wait to be sworn in.
GOAT: (very abrupt) Trucks. Took Billy and Ssedume and the others.
PAC OFFICIAL 2: Madam, we just want you to know that that we are on your side, relax, we aren’t going to eat you. Can you tell us where all the young goats have been going?
GOAT: (brusquely) Eaten. As if funds.
PAC OFFCIAL 3: How exactly?
GOAT: Kachumbari. Salt. Also Avocado.
PAC OFFCIAL 1: Could you please be a bit more elaborate, do you want to tell us how this came to be? At this moment the internet is frothing with goat jokes and tweets and what have you, the people of Uganda are with you.
GOAT: Grievous bodily harm. (a fat tear slides down her face) Swaibu said a prayer.
PAC Official 1: are you comprehending any of this? (to PAC Official 3 who shakes his head.)
GOAT: (losing patience) THE GOATS ARE IN YOUR STOMACHS!! YOU UGANDANS ATE THEM!! THEY ARE OLD NEWS BY NOW!