Monday Massacres: How to kick a lion in the balls and stay around to see what happens

By • Feb 18th, 2013 • Category: Monday Massacres

A long, long time ago, in ancient Andunga kingdom somewhere in Uganda (which at that time was merely a big expanse full of lions, hares, he-goats and natives with primitive energy), there lived a man. Onoonoi, for that was this man’s name, was known by all neighboring clusters of people for having won The Andunga Games time and time again. But Mister Sleek, what are these strange games that sound like the Hunger Games you speak of? Patience grasshopper. Patience.

The Andunga Games began over 3,700 years ago in Andunga, in the North Eastern part of that big expanse of land with lions, hares, he-goats and natives with primitive energy. The Games were staged every four years on a raised patch of land that had few lions, hares and he-goats. Here, the natives put their not-too-modern energy to use by competing like crazy in various games. People from all over the world came to watch and take part. Participation was only for strong, brave men who had been trained since they stopped suckling.

Andunga Games

Onoonoi, for the last three games, had emerged Omusobokoto; which was the title for the guy who won the Games. People didn’t like him because he laughed at all the competitors who lost to him. He’d write entire songs taunting them, mentioning their name, which Uoka tree they lived in and what fufu they had for supper the previous evening. This meant that he re-mixed the song often to keep it accurate

It came to pass that Oukalanyai, a battle-hardened young man with a twitchy left hand, decided to take on Onoonoi in the Games. Onoonoi had dissed the young man’s great grandfather, Acelaumuu, for too long.  The stage was set for an Al-Pacino-Robert De Niro face-off. As a responsible writer, I’ll give you time to go off and change those pants you’ve just peed.

Pee your pants

So the Games kicked off with village belle, Tery-ansi, batting her eyelids at every competitor. The lions, pre-starved for a week prior to the games, were let loose. The competitors ran for their lives and for glory, diving over booby traps made of real boobs, outsmarting hares in games of ancient Chess, head-butting enraged he-goats, all the while running faster than the lions, heading for the podimpo, the raised ground that the starved carnivores couldn’t reach.

Oukalanyai and Onoonoi made it to podimpo. To choose the winner, the two had to face off in a game only very smart people played. It required brains, stare-downs, mind-reading, the ability to see through paper,  the bravery to kick a lion in the balls and stay around to see what happens…and buxom lady lucquesia, pimped and known as lady luck these days.

Lady lucquesia

Lady lucquesia

Oukalanyai, three days later, emerged winner of the Matatu game-for that was the game they were playing- having outsmarted Onoonoi by keeping his pick two and unleashing it on the unsuspecting defending champion.

Many years later, the game has been put into small computers called phones by the great, great, great grandchildren of these people. If you are smart, can stare down, can mind-read, have the ability to see through paper, can kick a lion in the balls and stay around to see what happens, or if you are just cool, get the game here:

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Roland Niwagaba

    You think you know, then articles like this come along and show you how bleak you are! Eh…tunulila filimu!

  • Zed Jasper Onono

    too bad Onoonoi lost in the end

    • Sleek

      The force wasn’t with him

  • Kitacheri

    Sure you should give us the bio of Oukalanyai, the great man who beat the Onoonoi the champion

    • Sleek

      *Shouting* Sleek, that they want more!
      Sleek: (putting down steaming cup of porridge) Ok. Let’s do this

      • Kitacheri

        yes!!!! hurry before the porridge gets cold

  • Victoria Walube

    Such creativity! All for matatu

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