Pope Idol: The Search For A New Pope

By • Feb 12th, 2013 • Category: Featured Post, In The News

It’s Pope Idol.

Pope idol

Or the Vatican’s next pontiff. With your host, T-Pain.

t-pain

No, not the one who sings. The other one.

t-croak

T-Pain: Hi y’all. I know what you are thinking. I am an abomination in the eyes of The Lord so how come I get to host this show? Well, what can I say. The Lord is merciful to all his creation. Even the gross ones. Let’s meet our judges.

First up. He was born Saul of Tarsus but now he goes by Saint Paul!

(Applause as Paul descends from heaven to sit at judges table. He waves)

Next up, he says he is just a humble fisherman, but we know him as the first ever winner of the Papacy, it’s Saint Peter!

(Applause as saint peter descends from heaven to sit on the judges table)

And finally, all the way from a basket in Egypt, it’s last but not least and not least likely to have you struck by lightning if you say the wrong thing, it’s the prophet Moses!

(Moses also descends from heaven)

T-Pain: That is a very nice suit, O Great prophet. Who designed it?

Moses: Don’t talk to me, T-pain. How canst thou sing all those awful songs and then talk to me? If Jesus had not changed the law I wouldst have smited thee with lightning right now. Msww.

T-pain: (Taking the shell because he is used) Ooowkay. Let’s get this show started. Let’s meet our first contestant. He hails from a place called Uganda somewhere in a country called Africa.

Moses: Hey, I was born in Africa!

T-Pain: Does this mean you like me now?

Moses: I was going to tell thee to go to hell, but me being Moses, when I say that to people they actually goest there, so I will spare you and just say, go on with presenting the guy.

T-Pain: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for In-Saber Butt Euro!

Nsaba Booty

Nsaba Buturo: Thank you. Thank you. It is such an honour to be here. A visa is not easy to get.

Paul: So Nsaba, tell us, why thinkst thou that thou shouldst be pope?

Nsaba: First of all, I wanna say what an honour it is to be here. I am such a fan. I’ve read all your books.

Peter: Behold, how the Ugandan doth kiss up to us. Doth he not realize that since we got to hold the keys to heaven people have been kissing up to us? Yet it helpeth them not. We still send them down to hades. Ugandan, just get to the point. Why shouldst thou be pope?

Nsaba: Okay. Um, well, I am really holy. I hate homos, I hate miniskirts and I hate Channel O music videos. If I was the pope I would make a special task force of Catholic Commadoes like Expendables to go around killing all sinners and destroying all Channel O music videos and I would make the world holy like me.

T-Pain: Our next contestant, all the way from…oh, they are from the same hood. Give it up for R&B star Yo-way-ree Kaygooterrr Myoooservayn!

Yoweri Museveni: Well, I’ve had sufficient experience clinging to a seat and if you’re looking at someone that will not abandon the job, I’m your guy. You can ask anyone that knows me, I have abandonment issues. I don’t like to abandon work. The only reason I am leaving the previous job is because some people found a loophole called “elections”. Of all the people you will interview, you will find I’m the only one that had a religious experience motivating me. In fact, you could say I’m the only one that…

T-Pain: Our next contestant, all the way from Harare in Zimbabwe…

Museveni: Hey! I haven’t talked about my days in the bush!

T-Pain: …give it up for Robert Mugabe!

Mugabe: Warrap. Me I think you should make me pope because I will be a better pope than the last two you have had. First of all I assure you I will NEVER retire. Secondly I am immortal. I will not even die. Many would-be assassins have found out the hard way.

Also, I like the idea that all the land in the country belongs to the pope. I like owning all the land in a country.

T-Pain: And all the way from Atlanta, Georgia, it’s Megan Good.

Meagan: Hi y’all. I think I should be pope because, first of all, my name is Good, and second you guys have never had a hot pope.

Good One

T-Pain: And all the way from a place called Asia in South Korea, it’s PSY!

PSY: klndlf ibcie ibcieb oub heeeeeeyyy sexy layyydeeeeeeeeee jbhjkhb

From Google Translate:

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

I will make the papacy pop. I’ll keep it oop oooop ooop popeing constantly.

And there will never be  a dull day in the Vatican. I’ll draw all the HEEEEYYYY sexy layyydeeeessss…

T-Pain: And all the way from Chicago, Illinois, it’s Oprah Winfrey!

Oprah: Hi y’all. Please remain seated.

Moses: Hi Oprah. How are thee? How is Steadman?

Oprah: (Giving Moses a peck on the cheek) Oh, everyone is great, Mo.

Peter: Tell us why thou shouldst be pope, Oprah, as if we don’t already know.

Oprah: Well, mainly because I want to bring the two most influential religions in the world together — Catholicism and people who worship me.

T-Pain: And that’s all the contestants we have for y’all tonight but before we end the show, we want to know who you think should be the next pope. To send in your views, get your phone, put it aside, and write in the comments section below. Pain out!

Moses: Doth Mother Mary healed thou?

T-Pain: (Shakes head in auto-tune) Whatever dawg!

 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/darlkom Darlyne Komukama

    All hail Pope Oprah!

  • Manny

    In-Saber Butt Euro! hehehe

  • http://www.facebook.com/salimslj Mugwanya Ibn Sali

    mean while it does not come naturally to one that Moses was born in Africa until he says it..

    • http://www.facebook.com/tony.ruxy Tony Ruxy

      Hence the hood name, Mo. Kumbe the clue was in the title all this time!

  • IamEnygma

    I don’t mind who wins but for the love of God Oprah must be voted out nowwwww!!

  • Lwantale

    good 1

  • Kitacheri

    PSY should be pope