Monday Massacres: Django Unchained A review

By • Feb 4th, 2013 • Category: Monday Massacres

So there’s this movie called Jungle Unchained that’s all the rage. All your cool friends have watched it and they are continuously dropping all these references that have them high-fiving while you peck away at your plate, trying to hide the shame of being the black duck that hasn’t watched a movie EddieSoft was hooking people up with over a month ago. Kinda like all those years ago when those same cool friends were continuously saying TIA since they’d watched that movie which made men cry when Leonardo DiCaprio died. It was such a sad movie

Rather than give you directions to the place where EddieSoft barters your Shs. 1,500 for a fairly decent copy of Jungle (Majestic Plaza, room 45B, Level 3, in the corner, next to the brown lady everyone calls Nalongo Blawuni), I’ll tell you what the movie is about.

So the movie it is called Jungle Unchained. As the name suggests, it is set in this dense African Jungle because outside countries there are no jungles. Actually I lie. There are jungles but they have no animals. They have hippies.

Hippie Woot woot

Taken in a dense jungle in outside countries

Spoiler Alert: I’m going to tell you the whole movie. Even the soundtracks. If you haven’t watched it, stop here and holla at Eddie.

So in the movie, the entire story explores the life of this, we presume, African tribe, in a jungle that has mad love for chains. They are all nude and speaking gibberish but wearing heavy chains. Kinda like Apocalypto meets a hip hop video. Mssctthhewww! Such a simple plot! Hand me back my disposable cup that I’ve used all week, Useless writer! I’m going back to standing by the water dispenser and striking the pose that Oprah said will get me a raise. Scchtupid!

That’s what I thought too. But with my landlord camping at my door, waiting for me to return from Arua, I had no choice but to plug earphones into Tortoise, my beloved PC, and watch the damn movie.

It starts off with a heavy beat-boxing routine done by someone with a voice that sounds so much like Ssebaana, that dude who was once our mayor. Then it gets real crae…and I mean reeaalll crae because just th

[removed by ED]

nd then they kiss, shag and die. Not really in that order.

What my friends said about the movie before I watched it:

  1. That they say the word ‘nigger’ over 100 times. I heard the word Naija said a crazy amount of times. How do people hear that as Nigger? Schmucks.
  2. That there is this odd line: “I’m curious why you are so curious”(WTF?) . I heard ‘wetin mekin yoo curioso’

Odd thing is they had what seemed like Naijorion occents throughout the movie. But then again, it is crazy popular so FOMO made me put my ears through it. That and the landlord camped at my door.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Balamaga Rogers

    You forgot to mention it was acted by Bobi Wine, me that’s why I bought it, I saw the movie poster and went like “It has Bobi Wine in it?”

    • Sleek

      You of the eye for detail. I didn’t recongize him through all that smoke