Wednesday is going to be the new NRM day, and all over the city members and supporters of the National Resistance Movement are going to take the day off from work to celebrate the fundamental change wrought by that honourable body of men and women who liberated Uganda from tyranny 27 years ago. You know those things.
Meanwhile people who could not give less of a damn about fundamental change or its ass will also be taking the day off. But why and what for? What does NRM Day mean to you? We surveyed the city and here are the results. Very scientific. Fear us.
National Roast Meat Day
On this day we mark the liberation of kilos of meat from the lives of cows, and mark the fundamental change in the flesh from gross, raw, bloody and fly-infested, to delicious, juicy, and going down well with beer.
We like to imagine that before public holidays butchers all watch Kill Bill Part 1 for inspiration and then they go and start cutting up the cows. Haiyaa!
National Rowdy Music Day
Ragga Dancehall artists in Uganda will probably stage shows around this holiday, shows at which the CD tracks they mime to are played at the loudest volume UMEME and EQ speakers can provide. This is so that the fans, already drunk and horny out of their minds, will be blasted with sound so massive that the effect will be medically identical to an unrelenting series of physical micro-punches to the head. By the time they leave the show, or black out (whichever comes first) their brain matter will have been so violently abused that they will actually believe:
- (For Bebe Fans) That By Far is actually better than Ndiisa Butti.
- (For Bobi Fans) That Ndiisa Butti is actually better than By Far
National Rat Murder Day
This is the day when you create a new generation. They will be born in September/October and then go on UPE, USE and then graduate from the 234 universities in the country and complain nti the then-95-year-old President Museveni is not doing enough to reduce unemployment. They will demonstrate and still not get the point, i.e. that if you want to be employed, send an application to a teargas firm.