His Royal Highness, his Imperial Majesty, his Absolute Magnificence, his Macadocious Maximum King of Uganda Ronald Muwenda Mutebi III revealed to the public this year that he had a new son. Behold him. And his name shall be called Ssemakookiro. And he shall rule the kingdom with an iron fist and crush his enemies beneath his foot with his mighty power. Hail Ssemakookiro.
Mutebi III’s lawfully wedded wife did not have any objection to his being sired out of their wedlock because anyone who objects to this receives death threats on the internet.
Americans heard that there was a man called Connie in central Africa who was killing the little negro children and so they made a youtube video calling upon Obama to send The Expendables to Uganda (Which, according to their research, was a district in Chad). Unfortunately before they could do anything Jason Russell was visited by the ancestors of Lakwena Alice and she told him to take his ass to a freaking library and do some freaking research before he goes putting his omusobokoto on the internet for all to see.
Uganda developed and became like outside countries, such as Speed starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, when Jennifer “The Hero Gotham Deserves” Musisi introduced buses to the city. These buses both fulfilled and reneged on their promise. They were better than Taxis because they showed movies on small screens (eg Mr Bean, Charlie Chaplin, the video for Sumbusa by Kenzo and Barbie Jay) and they were worse than taxis because you often had to stand for the whole journey, and stand next to people with their arms raised.
The wiser citizens of the city decided to just buy Galaxy tablets and watch videos in taxis where they can sit the whole journey. Leaving the buses for the poor.
The greatest musician in Africa, the astounding and spectacular Bobi Wine, has a wife. This wife wrote a book. The world collapsed as one in complete and utter stupefaction at the sheer volume of talent coming out of that household. First the boss, Taata W’abaana himself, is known as the cleverest singer on the continent, as well as being an Oscar-Winning actor. Then even the watchman and the car washer, Buchaman and Nubian Li, have managed to produce record-breaking music. Now the wife goes and writes books?
We are very worried, here at Urban Legend. Barbie is coming for us! Shiver shiver!
The Zari Show
A very important person in our community, in fact, she might even be more important than the person who cleans under the carpets in the National Museum, decided to invite the adoring public to find the answer to that question that has been burning at Ugandan society for so many months: What is Zari’s personal life like? What makes her tick?
Even though mostly that question is phrased as “What makes this woman be like that?”
So she got a very heavily edited, scripted, staged and rehearsed reality tv show for us. Okay, it wasn’t heavily rehearsed. Some of the acting was too obvious to have been rehearsed properly.
We saw that she orders white people around in a tiny office and then throws litter out of a car and speaks on the phone while driving with other people’s children in the back seat. You know when normal people do that they are douchebags, but Zari is not a douchebag. She has a Lambo and so if you call her a douchebag you must have nuggu. She is a role model. Who throws trash out of car windows.
Big Brother took place. Some people cared.
Tusker Project Fame
Tusker Project Fame was held. And though some may disagree with this sentiment, this year everybody sucked. (Those who disagree with this sentiment will be saying that EVERY year everybody sucks.) The only person worth listening to was Ruth, but if there is a g-nut in a pile of mud you don’t eat the mud just to get to the g-nut. You change the channels and watch a pizza instead. We tuned in to Urban and saw Shiru mixing videos.
Also, Mich’s jokes were lame. Just thought that should be reiterated.
Sisqo is a musician from the nineties who came to Uganda to visit the various tourism attractions we have in central district, like hotels, beer, potholes and empty concert venues. He returned to his muzigo in the projects in Atlanta to tell the crackheads he left there that Uganda is a very peaceful and sparsely populated nation in Africa.
Uganda won the Olympics. Kirpotich is now a slang term for sexual prowess.
Centenary Park was almost demolished by Jennifer “Jules Winfield” Musisi who sent her goons to tell Lady Charlotte to say what again. She dared her. She double dared her. Lady Charlotte didn’t even have time to change out of her nightdress before rushing to the park to see her dream leveled to the ground.
Unfortunately, Amelia Kyambadde got there first.
Mrs Princess Thomas
Hot Uganda Chick/ Royal Summer/ Princess Komuntale was walking around Washington DC the way you see Ugandan chicks doing these days when an American guy landed. Being that he was fast, and not slow like how Ugandan boys had been, he ended up marrying her this year, using what Americans call “Game”, the opposite of whatever weak shit Ugandans were using when one of the most eligible bachelorettes in the country ended up going and marrying an American.
End of The World
Former Obsessions singer and former Blue*Three3 singer Mya almost astounded everyone in December with a prophecy declaring that the entire world will end on the 21st of that month. It didn’t. We should have learned our lesson from the last time we heard her solo single and never listened to Mya in the first place.