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Notes From An Idle Mind_The Apocalypse Toolkit

By • Dec 17th, 2012 • Category: Notes From An Idle Mind

The world is ending soon, and you know this time it’s legit because it was predicted by a bunch of dead guys from back in the day and not some old American dude that’s probably too jilted with life he wants you to go down with him.

Seriously, when you think about it, it’s really down to the word of a guy that has suffered the indignity of facebook pokes, been alive from the start of Lady Gaga’s career and actually knows what a Justin Bieber is, versus that of guys that didn’t even know what an iPhone was.

There’s really no telling how this apocalypse shit is going to go down, so I can’t confidently tell you to pack some toothpaste and wait. How exactly would that play out anyway, fresher breather and stronger teeth guaranteed to survive anything…yes, even THAT.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

This would be a great time to do a quick assessment of the company you’ll have around you on D-Day. Realistically, Kiera Knightley is not an option, so put that DVD back this instant. You will likely want to have someone failry grounded and not analytical.

A rocket scientist will just make a mess of the trip and by the time you arrive at whatever destination you’re destined for, you’ll likely want to come back to post-apocalyptic earth and endure Zombie Bieber.

On the flip side, you also don’t want to carry a moron with you because, shit, morons ask too many questions. “Hey, are we dead yet?” “Are we dead yet” “Are we dead yet?”

A facebook friend can’t be counted on to keep a lid on things. If things should go South {Re; Hell. It doesn’t get any more Southern than that really} it’s going to pop up on post-apocalyptic facebook.

check in

Maybe you should get an MP from our government because at least with them, no matter how shite a situation is, they are going to keep their mouth’s shut and hope it just goes away with no intervention.

Take Credit Where Credit Is Due

There’s really no reason why you can’t go out there and accrue debts en masse. Bartenders are notoriously optimistic individuals and as such you can count on them to hope that you will come back. So it only makes sense that you should go buy a 20 litre jerry-can pop into a bar and stock up. Actually, wait, this is the end of the world, think BIG, let’s do two jerry-cans.

Despite what you may think from all the relentless beeping and flashing your phone’s been subjected to, there’s actually a facility from the telcos that lets people get airtime on credit. The people that beep are just idiots and {I can’t stress this enough} should be left behind when the world draws its curtains.

That said, if you’re in the minority that’s warid about being constantly ripped off, now would be a great time to go buy a bunch of SIM Cards wholesale and get airtime on credit.

Passion for Fashion

Gents, wear whatever you want to. Ladies, only wear skimpy short skirts if someone gave you the heads up that you’d be heading to hell. If someone alerted you to the prospect of actually having a chat with St. Peter at the pearly gates, the first thing you want to do is verify that the person is not a Nigerian scammer that’s also mentioned that his parents were claimed by the apocalypse, BUT there’s money in it for you and him. All you have to do is wire some funds {in good faith} to his new address-666 and Bob’s your uncle.

Once you’ve verified that this person is legit, please grab a pair of pants {NOT LEGGINGS!} and get ready for your number to be called. The last thing you need is a bunch of guys trying to look up your skirt as you ascend. That shit’s not cool.

#ApocalypsePlaylist

You could decide to use the easy way out and run a search on twitter for that hash-tag or come up with something original and relevant. Realistically speaking, Call Me Maybe doesn’t mean anything to you…Call Me If You Have Airtime, maybe…that’s an entirely different matter.

I’d recommend downloading a Zari track and if the CD still has space, maybe slot in some Bad Black. It’s always nice to get acquainted with the people you’ll meet in the afterlife before you actually meet them. Oh, and some Bobi Wine. Do not forget the Bobi Wine!

Where Will You Be

Bit of a trick question this. We’ve been brought up to believe that the church is the go to place for this sort of thing, but there are holes in this theory.

  • The pastor will likely also want to spend some time with his family
  • The celibate religious leaders may or may not decide this would be a good time to sample the forbidden fruit which basically means, you will bounce if you go to church
  • This theory seems to pre-suppose that there will be no Moslems during the end times or they shall be spared. Why else would it suggest church and not mosque?
  • YOU ARE THE CHURCH!

So the question arises, where then shall you hang out as you wait for that hour?

As you think on that, please remember to pack some toothpaste. Nobody likes bad breath, not even zombies.

 

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doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers