Singer, dancer, actor and amateur pugilist Chris “The Funky Hulk” Brown was slated to perform in Uganda this month, as part of Christmas celebrations for fans. In addition to everybody saying “X” instead of the name of our savior, Kampalans were supposed to put their hens up and enjoy the famed R&B performer’s acclaimed talents at a local venue.
However, word has begun to circulate that Breezy, as he is sometimes known, will not be flying in after all.
We sent our reporter Julia Magambo (if that is your real name this is a coincidence) to interview the singer and find out what was going on.
We visited her in hospital after the interview for this report.
From Ward 7B
Q: Magambo, is Breezy, as he is sometimes known, coming to Uganda or not?
A: Hi Baz. Fortunately the paramedics were able to get to me in time
A: Oh, sorry. I am having trouble focusing on the screen. I have only one eye left to read with. He bit the other one out during the interview. Oh. I see what you just aksed.
Q: Here in the professional media we say “asked”, miss.
A: Sorry again. It was a typo. You see, I am typing this with my toes, since all my fingers are broken. Also I think I left my right thumb behind. You know how they say YOLO? Man, for me it was almost YODO.
Q: We are sorry for your condition but you know, journalists often end up in dangerous situations trying to get stories, like Iraq and Afghanistan but did you manage to get any information before the attack?
A: Well, before I could ask him anything he saw that I had Ne-Yo on my ipod and next thing I heard was a scream, and suddenly everything went black and I saw a bright light. I heard Bachwezi calling my name.
From Cranston Projects, Atlanta GA
Well, one of the things that infuriates Breezy, as he is sometimes known, is the haters, also known as “the h8trz” who look at him gettin paper and are jealous of the fact. We spoke to one of these haters to see what we can learn.
Q: Hello, is that Bobby?
A: Whadup, yo? Dis Bobby. Holla atcha boy. What’s good?
Q: Bobby this is Baz from Urban Legend Kampala. We would like to interview you about being a Chris Brown hater.
A: That lil nigga stole my style, my dance moves, my bad attitude, my habit of reckless and irresponsible public behavior followed by remorselessness in the face of criticism and now he gets invited to Uganda and I don’t? Why don’t y’all invite me to Uganda? Y’all know it ain’t like I’m too busy to make the time. I ain’t got no gigs lined up. Shiieeyit, I would even perform in Bwaise if y’all called me but nobaddy wanna call. I would even do Planets Discotheque.
Q: Well, the problem is, Bobby, you’re not very popular in Uganda any more. People are still mad that you spoilt Whitney.
A: Swaram sayin’ yo. Okay, I ruined the woman, but it’s not like I bit her flesh while strangling her after pounding her head into the dashboard of a car or nothin. How come ain’t nobaddy forgiving me? I hate that Chris Brown nigga. In fact, I probl’y would say this to his face, but I’m scared he might bite MY cheeks, too.
Q: Do you know whether he is coming to Uganda or not?
A: Man $%^&@!!! you and Uganda!
From Underneath The Corridors of Power
Since we were unable to get any details from Bobby Brown, we turned to our only other source—Conspiracy Brother.
A: Well, the story I heard is that Chris Brown isn’t coming for a concert, he is actually coming to meet leading government figures for some high-level PR consultation. They want to find out how come when they are implicated in scandals the public turns against them and scorns them, and yet when Chris Brown does it, people just love him all the more. They even tweet the pope.
These government officials plan to ask Brown what they can do to ensure that after billions in public funds go mysteriously missing under their watch, instead of the people turning against them, the masses will start tweeting furiously in their support, accusing their accusers of being haters, eg by saying, “U R JAST A H8TA SO WAT IF DA MINSTA BLT ANATH MNSHION N TEH MEDISIN R NT DER N DA HOSPTLZZ!!!! U R JAST A HT8RRZ!!!”
“Wai R ppl beng jeloz!!!!11 da minsta she DINT STIL BAT EVN IF SHE STUL ITZZ OKE DE MINSTA SHE IZ DA POSATIV ROLL MODAL!!!!!!11”
The theory is that Brown is going to teach these ministers some of his sweet dance moves and smooth R&B stylings because as long as you are still dancing nobody can blame you for anything. Ask MJ, R.Kelly, Jay-Z, Puff Daddy, Bobby Brown… wait. People only forgave Bobby until the hits stopped. Then it was open season on a nigga.