Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, normal people and government workers, welcome to your first lesson in corruption. At ULK, we encourage equal education opportunity for the girl child, the boy child, the man child and the woman child.
Now, corruption. It’s generally referred to as what the Ugandan government does for a living. It’s comprised of two main forms of corruption. The picture you see below is totally unrelated. The office tea lady must have left it there by mistake.
1. Regular Corruption.
Refers to the act of eating public funds by government officials.
Under regular corruption, we have:
i) Simple Regular Corruption
Is the act of eating public funds and denying it.
ii) Compound Regular Corruption
Is the act of eating public funds and blaming others.
2. Irregular Corruption.
Is regular corruption carried out in the private sector.
Also under irregular corruption, there’s:
i) Normal Irregular Corruption
People who take their friends’ money and deliver required services.
ii) Abnormal Irregular Corruption
People who take their friends’ money and don’t deliver what was promised.
The tea lady apologises for this picture too.
3. Subsidiary Corruption.
This is corruption that employs forms of exploitation other than money.
Under subsidiary corruption are seven other forms:
i) Askarial Corruption
Askaris who sleep on the job.
ii) Fondolistic Corruption
Security guards who use security checks as a ploy to fondle people’s private parts.
iii) Updatorial Corruption
People who steal other people’s Facebook, Google+ and Twitter updates and use them as their own.
iv) Phoninial Corruption
People who pick up phone calls and lie about their whereabouts.
v) Accentutory Corruption
People who go to Kenya for a week and come back with American accents.
vi) Laughistic Corruption
People who laugh out loud at their own joke while telling it. Even when it’s not funny.
vii) Drunkistic Corruption
People who pretend to be drunk to fool someone into having sex with them.