To Prevent the Coming Facebookapolypse, AKA World War III

By • Nov 28th, 2012 • Category: WTH



We got together with our Local Council Communications Chair, Member of Parliament for Swagg Proscovia Alengot Oromait, Prime Minister @AmamaMbabazi and an eight-person delegation to Mark Zuckerberg, to come up with a document that will help stave off the imminent collapse of facebook, which is poised to implode into a bloodbath unless we come to some sort of agreement amongst ourselves. Peace talks are important.

These are our resolutions.

Language Barrier/ Lngug Brier

There are two major warring factions on facebook. People who spell things right and Krglfs, or people who make no sense with their letters. The two groups coexist with the same tenuous, strained atmosphere of mutual contempt and loathing that optimists imagine was the best they could expect when they set up the state of Israel in the Middle East. Krglfs think spellers are uptight and snobbish and pompous. Spellers think krglfs are idiots. Anytime now things will erupt to full out war and facebook will be reduced to ashes. No one will survive.

Unless we learn to coexist peacefully using this simple formula. Let us respect each other’s language.

If you are on the wall of a person who speaks like educated people do, endeavor to fall in line with the theme of things. Put a “y” and an “o” around the “u” when you refer to them. Avoid citing numbers when speaking of things going “to” or being “for” .

If you are on the wall of a person who is an independent and creative spirit, who likes their freedom of expression to be free and wild, then you should also follow suit. Say “am @ ur wol 2 c d we u ryt d wrdz wthot eni crkt splngzzz!! Evun mi am nt gng 2 ryt eni crkt splngzz wen am n ur wol!!!!  Den wi kn coexzt pissfooly az dffrnt fctns ov fcbk uzrs wd dfrnt aprochz 2 d we wi xprs orzlvzzz!!!!!!!1111lol


Into the Group Thing?

Adding people to groups has been identified as another potential hotspot. This could lead to the next world war. There are some people, you know yourselves, who have very much passion and love in their hearts and are very willing to share and socialize with others, to reach out and gather their friends together. They do this by adding them to groups. They don’t bother to ask or to even stop to wonder whether you want to be in this group in the first place. You just wake up one morning and find yourself getting notifications from weird groups.

We recommend that you just leave us alone, but you love us too much to do that, so we are going to ask that you merely slow your row.

Before you add all your friends to a group, ask yourself, “What will they do in the group?”

For example, adding me to a group called “World’s Funniest Websites” would be appropriate, because that’s my thing as you can see. Did you read the post about Bad Black? Lolz just.

However, adding me to a group called “Uganda Youth Sisal Farmers Association of Mubende” is probably not going to be appreciated.


Leaving a facebook group


Know how Links Work

Now the internet is a very complicated and intimidating place, full of riddles and mysteries. For example, why are some letters blue and others black? Why does the arrow change into a ka-small hand sometimes? The answer is something called a link.

Sometimes a person posts a link onto their status update. It looks like this.

If you don’t understand what is being said in the words before this animal called “link”, the best way to find out is to click on its head. If you ask in the comment section nti  “Wat r u tokin abwt thr n doz wrdz???!!!!!1” You will receive a sarcastic reply. Which probably won’t bother you because you won’t get the sarcasm.


Taking it personal when someone disses Chris Brown

There are some things we have to accept about life. When it rains, your employees will be late for work. If the waiter brings the wrong order and you make a fuss, you will eat spit. Girls will lie to you on the phone. Straka will never grow old. And people on the internet will diss Chris Brown. It is one of the most popular passtimes online and nothing can stop it. Just allow.


Like posts

When you read something as informative and inspirational and groundbreaking as this, you may be tempted to say to yourself, “Eh bat de uban lgnd guyz de mek mi fani loll!!!11” and then just walk away. Or you may think, “What heavily despicable rubbish this is. It’s of rare caliber” and then just walk away. This is not nice. It is like getting a free ticket to a Sean Paul concert and then after he has “sung” or whatever it is he calls it, sweated half his water on stage, shaved half his head for you, you don’t even clap.

At least like the post banange. We sweat and shave our heads for you.


Liking this article is what happens to cool people