Congo War: A First Look Inside The M23 Camp

By • Nov 22nd, 2012 • Category: Politics

After capturing Goma, the M23 rebels have assembled for their third meeting this week.

LEADER: Let’s start today’s meeting with The Grace. Stenshonary?

STENS: Okay, let’s humble ourselves. The Grace of our L…

LEADER: The Rebels’ Grace, you idiot.

STENS: Oh. Sorry. Let’s humble ourselves again. We refuse to say the grace. Amen.

LEADER: Amen. Welcome to yet another meeting as we near the weekend.

REBEL: FURAYIDEEE! WOOOHOOO!!!

LEADER: Who was that?

(Silence)

LEADER: You wrong me and then hide in the bushes? Now that’s a good rebel. If I knew who it was, I’d promote him right now.

REBEL: It was me, sir.

LEADER: Come to the front and kneel down! Stupid! You’ve been stripped of your fighting rights for today. You’ll stay behind and update booksafe.

REBEL: Facebook.

LEADER: You want more punishment?

REBEL: No sir.

LEADER: Good. Moving on. I think you’ve all heard by now?

REBEL: That we’ve captured Goma?

LEADER: No. That today is Thanksgiving.

STENS: Sir, isn’t that an American holiday?

LEADER: Isn’t Obama an African president? They steal from us, we steal from them. In fact, Stenshonary what month is it in America?

STENS: November, sir.

LEADER: I officially declare this month November.

STENS: But it’s already…

LEADER: Are you rebelling?

STENS: Well, y… no sir.

LEADER: Now, ordinarily I’d let each of you say what you are thankful for but it would get too repetitive. So I’ll do it on your behalf. You take this opportunity to thank your leader, me, for…

STENS: Sir, here on google it says that we’re supposed to thank God.

LEADER: I thought you said our data package had expired.

STENS: No, it’s expiring today.

LEADER: Has Kabila poked us back on booksafe?

REBEL: It’s Face…

LEADER: (Cocks gun) I dare you!

STENS: No sir. He hasn’t.

LEADER: Okay, tell Museveni that we’re big fans of his country and his music but since Kabila has refused to chat, we’re capturing other towns. Kagame too.

STENS: Sir, involving those two is a very sensitive issue. I don’t think the audience will laugh at that one.

LEADER: It’s not supposed to be funny.

STENS: It is, sir. We’re broadcasting on ULK.

LEADER: Oh. Add LOL and a funny picture.

 

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