Today we open with a musical number. Lays n genmens pucho hens together for The Mith and his lovely assistant, Lillian Mbabazi! This is Toast To Life. Yo, Mith, kick it!
Now, welcome to the Famous Urban Legend 12-step-guide to success in nearly everything. Today we are going to learn about toasting and how it is done.
- Get the terminology right. It is called toasting, and you say, “Let’s toast to… something. (Ibramovich, Mugisha Muntu, Life, The Extension of Nsenene Season To July, whatever) But you don’t say, “I am going to toast you” when you raise your glass. It is very disappointing and uncultured. It would be the equivalent of showing up in a Bentley, stepping out in a tuxedo, walking down a red carpet and then opening your mouth and your breath stinks.
- It is the equivalent of having an iPad and writing, “Me am gng 2 tost it becoz d prggtt iz faani!!!!11”. Please. Respect the iPad. Steve Jobs did not give his life so that you could do that.
- Consider the type of liquor you are toasting with. I’m sorry, it has to be liquor. You cannot toast to anything with tea. You can not toast with juice. And safi is right out completely. NEVER EVER even DRINK Safi, let alone toast to things with it.
- Well, you can toast to Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness and Underworld Lord with safi if you are evil like that, but I expect he will want you to mix some blood into it, which might be unhygienic.
- Gather your quorum around you. Everyone must be paying attention so it is wisest to wait until they have all finished updating their FB and Twitter and clicking “like” on ULK posts and sharing them on their walls and all that (hint hint).
- When you have everyone’s attention, raise your receptacle. It will be either a bottle, a beer mug, or a glass. You cannot toast without glass. If you are drinking in plastic tumblers that is not a toast. That is a mblunywi. Say “I’d like to raise a mblunywi to the groom.” Don’t say “toast” cos you will be cheapening the word.
- Listen to Toast To Life again. You hear? “To my friends and my family, my loved ones and everybody around me…” Whooo!
- So, now you have glass, you have quorum, you have the jam, now say, “I’d like to raise a toast.”
- Keep quiet.
- There is a mandatory pause between saying the word toast and actually making the toast. When the pause is completed say, “To… something. (Godfrey Ekanya, Shanita’s Freedom, New Beginnings, The End of Our Journey, Truth, Honour and Friendship, Spiderman or whatever.)
- Then everybody is obliged to say “Cheers.” For those of you who prefer to fake accents, you may need a bit of help here. In American accent, it’s pronounced “Cheers” not “chrreez” and not “chairs”. Otherwise, normal people will just say “Cheyaz”.