When a hot chick is about to get married, one of the things that happens is that her former stalkers jump out of the bush complaining. They want to know why they dedicated all that time to her and then she ended up marrying some other guy instead. This might be the first time she is even hearing of those stalkers but that’s because stalkers are not sane.
It happens. If it didn’t happen when you got married, that’s because you are not as hot as you think you are.
We somehow got our hands (hacked) on some emails that were recently sent to a soon-to-be-wed Ugandan royal.
I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Bosco. We were in Aga Khan together. I was the one who used to sit behind you in all classes. I loved you. That is why I was always sitting behind you. I was actually supposed to be in P7 but I deliberately flunked so that they would take me back to P6 so that I could be in the same class as you. I loved you that much. I never even copied you, even though I could see all your answers due to having mastered the art of staring at you. Now I hear you are marrying someone else? Can he really love you the way I loved you?
It is me Deo from Happy Monkeys Day Care and Nusery in Fort Portal.We used to be together us in Baby Class. That you were a plincense for reyo? Kale me I didn’t know. If I had been when I nyu I would have shared with you my chokret that day when you begged me. Me I never finished school I have mudaala in Kikuubo you can come and I give you discount because of loving you instead of marrying that one.
I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Ssekamonde Brayan. I also used to sit behind you in class sometimes when you were in Aga Khan. I don’t know if you remember but there were always two boys fighting for the desk behind yours. There was that little punk Bosco and me.
No, we were not in school together. I was actually in Buganda Road but I would come to your school to stalk you.
Then you went to Stato, I tried to follow but they denied me a visa. So I went to Sri Lanka instead. I thought they were near each other. I should have paid attention in Geography instead of just staring at you all the time. While I was stuck here some American boy took you? Do you know how a broken heart feels in Sri Lanka? How could you?
Ay Root, wagwan,
Me Rolan, di taxi driver we me ride ya around town wen ya in school in America. Me always know you speshal. Me kno dis! Dat why me never even charge ya extra money. Excep when ya inna mi cab wid dat bway Chris, den me kno him gwan pay anyway.
Ya never wonder why every time ya need a cab it always di same cab dat show up? It because me fallo you aroun! Me love ya, Root. Me wan marry ya. Me always worry dat mi cyant marry callege girl wen me an immigran’ taxi driver but now me kno ya a princess me kno money nat a problem. Forget dat Chris bway. Me love you firs.
It’s Aziz from Lybia. You remember me of course from the time you lived here. I hear you are getting married to some guy. Really? Some American just shows up with his pretty white teeth and you swoon? What about me? What about all I did for you? I bought you flowers, you chick! Do you know how hard it is to find flowers when you live in the desert?
*Editor’s note. Captions translated from Rutooro by Sizzaman. He was supposed to translate to English, but he is still looking for someoen who knows enough English.