Monday Massacres: Learner’s Guide To Committing Suicide

By • Nov 12th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

News making rounds is that a MUK student committed suicide yesterday when he jumped down from Mary Stuart Hall. Nti mbu that it was cos of love.

Which brings to light one of the biggest problems faced in Uganda. People just don’t know how to determine the right time to die and form of death to take. What if you die and fall in love with a ghost and it also breaks up with you? Do you commit more suicide?

So to avoid such sad incidents in future, we’ve compiled a learner’s guide to committing suicide. It includes the top six current causes of suicide and how to end your life the correct way.

 

  • Following major fraud in the Office of the Prime Minister, Permanent Secretary Bigirimana has refused to leave office.

Depression level:

10% (I don’t know what he did exactly but he needs to go.)

Suicide rating:

Jump 2 floors.

 

  • President Museveni has bought two new Benzes that cost Shs6bn.

Depression level:

76% (I swear walk to work for life!)

Suicide rating:

Jump 8 floors.

 

  • 1,200 Kyambogo degrees could be cancelled over rot.

Depression level:

0.8% (Who needs a degree?)

Suicide rating:

Jump half a floor.

 

  • The weekend is too far.

Depression level:

5% (Now what am I supposed to do between now and then?)

Suicide rating:

Jump up and down.

 

  • They’ve refused to promote me to the next class.

Depression level:

4% (They think I’m too stupid to notice or?)

Suicide rating:

Jump the class.

 

  • The love of my life is cheating on me.

Depression level:

8% (Let me die and see if they will cheat on me again.)

Suicide rating:

Don’t jump. Let me first get my camera. Okay, now jump.

 

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