I’m Barack Hussein Obama. I am sure you may have heard of me.
I am the president of the US. The first black president of the US actually. For real. Morgan Freeman was just in a movie.
Now, unlike Ug, just because I am president now doesn’t mean I am going to be president forever. No, there isn’t going to be a coup. There are no rebels in America. Some people have guns, but these are not called rebels. They are called either rednecks or gangstas.
And they pose no threat to government. They smoke too much either crystal meth or crack cocaine to overthrow me.
The one thing that overthrows presidents is elections.
So I heard that for you this is no biggie. In Uganda, I was told, elections are like erections, they come and go. The person who told me this laughed and laughed. I didn’t mind. I have learned that many Ugandans laugh at their own jokes.
Anyway, I should have come to Ug for advice long ago. I thought of bribing voters but it’s not as easy in the US as it is in Ug. In Ug you guys are cheap. Just some soap and salt and a guy has bought your vote. In Stato guys want flatscreen TVs, iPhones, tickets to Dredd 3D, free wifi … Even I can’t afford it.
Maybe I should have had Mitt arrested and teargassed every time he went for a rally. Shit! Why didn’t I think of that when I had time?
Anyway, now all that’s left is to rig this thing. I hear that Ugandans are experts at this. Just do me a favour. If you have any relatives in Stato, just inbox them or whatsapp them and tell them to put for me like two dozen votes each. If you do this for me, I promise I won’t deport their raggedy illegal immigrant asses the hell back to Nakapiripirit, yafeel me?