I know it is probably halfway through the workday when you are reading this. Unless you are those Ugandans we hear about who they call unemployed. Sucks to be you. Sometimes. But trust us, the national productive workforce, when we say that there are many times when we stop and envy you. We think to ourselves, “Maybe being unable to pay bills and starving would probably be better than having to put up with all this employment shit.”
Either way we tend to spend the entire day, from the moment of arrival, waiting for the time we can leave.
You would think that when that time comes, it will be as easy as standing up, chucking up deuces, and fleeing manically, leaving behind only the echoes of your voice screaming “Laters for you suckaaaaaaaaaaasssss!”
Oh no. There are many things that prevent a swift withdrawal.
1: The Phone Extension. Oftentimes you will receive a call at a few minutes before it is time for hometime and find, upon picking up, that it is a person from hell calling with some sort of “assignment”. The term “assignment” is corporate jargon for “fat load of OCD shit you have to deal with” and it often takes a lot of hours. When the call comes in and you pick up, it means you will not be leaving at time for hometime, you will be leaving at nine.
Tip #1. NEVER pick up the phone. EVER.
2. Cara. During the loadshedding crisis before Museveni ushered in an era of development – I hear some people still have loadshedding. Well, us at ours we don’t. We have cara every day. (NRM Oyee.) Even the neighbor with the loud radio who starts blasting Hillsong at seven every Sunday morning (Bloody NRM) —during the loadshedding crisis when nobody had electricity last year, many people developed the habit of staying at work late because there was no cara at home. At office they could charge their phones and watch TV. It blame The Hostel. Annette, see what you did.
Tip #2 Get friends in posh areas like Ntinda etc where there is no loadshedding. And when you go there, take beer. Don’t go empty handed. That’s bad manners.
3. Internet. The internet was invented by space aliens who want to take over our planet. Their plan is to slowly hypnotise the entire human population using computer screens and mobile phones which have funny websites like this one and when we are stuck staring at them, they will land their motherships and bribe Obama and take over the whole world. That is why the internet is addictive. It has alien brain-rays which beam off the screen (it’s doing it now) onto your mind and capture it with hooks and refuse to let go. The internet is made to be addictive. Especially facebook. Facebook is crack cocaine because crack cocaine is the most vulgar and stupid drug and most embarrassing drug you can be addicted to.
I mean, how can you fail to go home because you are checking to see what people who don’t even have vowels are saying about Zari’s new toyboy?
Tip #3 The hell with the rest of the internet. Only read us. Then go home.
4. Office affairs. There are two kind of office affairs—the ones where people leave early to go to lodges and the ones where people stay late to go to the broom closets under the stairs. Either way, this is not true love.
Tip #4 Just get married and get a home already. You brazenly iniquitous pieces of shit.