Thanks to Heineken, ULK was granted special permission to MI6 headquarters to talk to the man responsible for many brutal deaths, irresponsible fires and hazardous car chases that cost many governments lots of taxpayers’ money and yet look so freaking cool on screen.
ULK: Welcome, Dabbloseven. How are you?
007: Just fine, thank you.
007: I said I’m fine.
ULK: Please don’t do that. In Uganda we use “how are you” as a conversation starter. We don’t mean to actually know how you are doing, so when you answer you confuse me. Please don’t confuse me. Many people in Africa will die of hunger and diseases if I don’t do this interview properly.
007: Haha. You’re funny.
ULK: It’s okay. No need to apologise. Please introduce yourself.
007: Name’s James Bond, agent of…
ULK: Full name please.
007: That is my full name.
ULK: No it’s not.
007: Yes it is.
ULK: Boss, I’ve watched all your movies. Who are you going to believe, you or me? You always say “My name is Bond James Bond”. Aren’t you one of those people with dicotyledonous names like Simonpeter or Johnrambo or Chipolopolo?
007: Actually James Bond is my screen name, not my real name.
ULK: Speaking of, why did you abandon music for movies? Did Ladybird Books threaten to sue you for eating into their market?
007: I’ve never done music.
ULK: You’re not Craig David?
007: No, I’m Daniel Craig.
ULK: Now I understand why they asked you to change your name. Is there any agent there in MI6 who speaks Luganda?
ULK: So none of you studied in Makerere?
ULK: Then why are you people very violent? I swear every time I watch a James Bond movie you’re always beating up someone. The Bible preaches peace, you people.
007: It’s my job. When bad guys plan to do bad things, I have to stop them.
ULK: Then you call the police.
007: I am the police.
ULK: Which department? There’s no teargas in any of your movies.
007: No, I’m not the people’s police. I am the police’s police. I’m the guy they assign missions no other man can accomplish. I’m high up there at that level where hierarchy stops, looks up and says, “One day I’ll study hard and get there”.
ULK: But not above Bobi Wine surely.
ULK: You don’t know Bobi Wine?
ULK: That’s strange. He owns a yacht. I’m even surprised he’s not the one doing the soundtrack for your new movie. Why did you choose Adele?
007: I don’t know why she was chosen really but if I were to guess, I’d say it’s because she can set fire to the rain. I need such people on my team.
ULK: You have a team?
007: Sure. Cool cars, death-defying stunts, hot girls, classic drinks…that’s my team.
ULK: I heard in your new movie, Skyfall, you changed your drink? Why?
007: When you go to a bar, do you normally ask for your drinks shaken or stirred?
ULK: I don’t care.
007: Exactly. I don’t want a drink that asks questions. I want a drink that makes a statement.
ULK: That sounded like an advert.
007: If you hadn’t put that picture there, it wouldn’t have.
ULK: You’re right.
007: I’m always right. I’m Bond. James Bond.
ULK: Yes, but you’re not Jennifer Musisi. Stop bragging. One last question. I heard you’re coming to Uganda before going to the rest of the world. Is this true?
ULK: Have you ever eaten a rolex?
007: You eat watches?!
ULK: No! It’s you people who use food to tell the time. Before you come, please eat one. We’ll welcome you better.
007: Unfortunately, we don’t make them this side.
ULK: But you’re Bond James Bond. Beat up one of those bad men making weapons of mass destruction and tell them to make rolexes instead.