You, young reader, often wonder how we got our independence without hurling boulders, screaming ourselves hoarse, frothing at the mouth and flashing genitals at the British.
Granddaddy Sleek was there. And he has the telegrams that brought about our independence. Telegrams, young reader, are like tweets. So it is safe to say that tweets won us our independence. It is with great pain in my lower back that I finally bow to pressure and share these telegrams. Ok only two of them are telegrams and the rest is hate mail.
21 JULY 1960
TO SIR WALTER COUTTS
HOUSE MU CORNER, NEAR MULAGO
I HATE BUSHES SO I DON’T BEAT ABOUT THEM -(STOP)-GET OUT OF BUGANDA -(STOP)-GO AWAY FROM UGANDA -(STOP)-MUST RULE IT WITHOUT YOU -(STOP)-GO AWAY FOR REAL -(STOP)-NO LOL-(STOP)-
FROM EDWARD FREDERICK WILLIAM DAVID WALUGEMBE MUTEBI LUWANGULA MUTESA
01 SEPTEMBER 1960
TO SIR WALTER COURTS
KOLOLO UPPER TERRACE, NEAR KIREKA
JUST INFORMING YOU OF OUR INTENTION TO F#@K YOU UP -(STOP)-BE WISE AND LEAVE-(STOP)-A MORE FORMAL COMMUNICATION WILL COME FROM THE FISTS OF MY MUSCLED FRIENDS-(STOP)-ME I WRITE THE TELEGRAMS-(STOP)- FROM BENEDICTO KIWANUKA
From: Sir Apollo Milton Obote
To: Sir Walter Courtz
Date: 15th November, 1960
Walter, do not falter, at the alter, that we call Uganda-lter. My name is Milton. My friends call me Milton. You might know me as the dark guy who carries a pimp stick around. The same guy with a line in his hair. Yeah, that’s me. I’d put a photo here but that’s not been invented yet. All I am trying to say is, one Sir to another, leave now my nigger. We shall drown your cat. And its kittens. And then draw pictures of that same damn cat of yours and drown them too.
From: Those ends of Bunyoro kingdom
To: Whomsoever it may concern
Date: 27th February, 1961
Please leave the sit for us also. You have eaten our country’s things for much years. Go away now now tomorrow or else I will send spirits to do bad manners to you when you are there sleeping. You took our counties. You will pe
From: DJ Mukajanga
Date: 01st May, 1961
Mu Lord, why don’t you go back to your country where your friends they are there? Why? You go also you. Leave our country quick like a cheetah