UG@50: Uganda Before Independence

By • Sep 24th, 2012 • Category: Featured Post, Uganda Golden Jubilee

What was Uganda like before Independence? I thank you for picking me to do this article seeing as I am THAT old. I was there.

First of all, how far back do you wanna go?

 

How far back do you wanna go?

 

Uganda Before Independence, or UG@-200

Ismail Bin Walahe broke through the jungle and gazed down at the rolling hills. They were dotted with village huts. Every now and then a small army would dash down one hill and beat up the people in the next village. Ismail Bin Walahe turned back to his caravan and said, “Where are we?”

Once Ismail Bin Walahe had finally learned enough of the native language to communicate with the people in this jungle he had found at the end of his long journey from the East African coast, he was finally able to ask, “What country is this?”

“Eh mama, look at this one, shya, mbu that I hear what country, shya, me don’t quence me, eh mama, kale see this one, eh mama!” said the first big-hipped woman he asked. She had recently been assimilated into the growing Ganda kingdom and was therefore a Muganda chick.

Ismail Bin Walahe decided that he was tired and didn’t have time for her bullshit so he moved on to ask the next person.

“What country is this?”

“That what? What is a country? For us us we don’t know those things of I don’t know Country. For us us we are kingdoms for us. This kingdom she is called Buganda Kingdom,” said the man with the large nose.

“Hey, you,” a young sexy chick barged into the conversation and walked up to Ismail Bin Walahe. “ Are you a silver?”

 

Uganda Before Independence or UG@-100

“Hullo, Hertsmytheshire, Old Chap. Splendid climate in here, don’t you know?” said the elderly posh white tweed-clad man with the single disc of glass over one eye, the pipe of polished wood, the dog with a face like collapsing rubber and the imperialist grip over the nation as he glanced over at the hills.

“Roight ye are, guvnor! I reckin this ‘ere colony is goner moike queenie well ‘appy, innit?” said his squat, fat, bald, cockney, lowerclass squire.

“Oh, heavens me,” said the guvnor, “What in the bloody british blazes is that?” A shadow crossed a path on the hill below.

“It’s native, guv’nor. Place is crawlin with ‘em, guv’or. Africans all over the bleedin’ area, ya git me?” replied the squire.

“Good grief! They are dark as soot!” the Guvnor was shocked.

The native climbed up the hill and stood before the two men. She, asked, “You are a silver pure! Where have you been all my life?”

 

Meanwhile, down the hill, two black, thick-lipped, fat-nosed nappy-head chaps were looking up the hill.

“Gwe kyali wange, what’s cutting those ends up those ends?”

“Those ones? That’s those bazungu.”

“Nga they are doing what here?”

“I hear mbu they run the country these days, nti.”

“They run the country? Who says?”

“They are the ones who say.”

“Shyaa.”

“You are wakanaring?”

“Me I’ve jammed.”

“You will see.”

 

Former resident of Kampala

 

Uganda Before Independence or UG@-50

 

The governer looked down the hill at the tin roofs of the growing Kampala City and felt a stir.

“The natives are getting restless, sir. I hear talk of independence,” said the new Governer, Andrew Guvnor, looking down the hill at the distant black bodies clambering up and down the roads. “Ya git me?”

“It’s wikkid innit?” said his wololo. “I say we shoot the buggers in their bloody arses, right! An lock ‘em up on townships an’ ghettos and keep all the good stuff to ourselves!”

“Great idea! Let’s do that in Kenya first.”

 

Uganda Before Independence 0r UG@-25

At the bottom of a hill, two little black boys were speaking.

“Gwe, we go to school.”

“What is school?”

“It’s where they go to teach you to talk like as if how those bazungu’s talk.”

“Okay. We all go.”

 

Britishly

 

Meanwhile, in Nakasero, Sir Andrew Cohen was thinking Britishly.

“We’re being right rogered by the darkies in Keenia, don’t you know. It’s quite a kipper of bollocks over there.”

“Thank goodness our darkies are well-subjugated, ya git me?” said his wololo.

 

Uganda Before Independence, or UG@-1

 

Benedicto Kiwanuka walked up the hill.

“Tumbavu. Get out. We want Uganda back,” he said.

“Okay,” said Cohen.

“Where are the silvers going?” asked the middle-aged lady who liked to hang around the colonial offices.

 

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Perry

    hahhahaha this is too funy!