Q: Good morning witch, and thank you for agreeing to this interview. May I have a seat? Is it safe?
A: Yeah. Sit down please. Make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink?
Q: Hell no.
A: Good call. Never accept a drink from a witch. You will wake up exhausted in a strange bed four days from now wondering how many times you have had sex with me and why you don’t remember any of them.
Q: I was debriefed before I came for the interview. I won’t drink anything you offer and I will not leave any hair or nail clippings behind. And I will try my best not to get a cut and start bleeding.
A: Too bad. I could use a new sex slave. Jimmy Jones 75 is exhausted. Anyway, okay, I am ready for your questions.
Q: Well, first of all, we expect witches to be old women in ragged barkcloth garments. How come you are so young and fine? And rocking Marc Jacobs?
A: That is because I am a very good witch. Have you ever seen a mechanic driving a squeaking, rusty, banged up Datsun? That is a mechanic that sucks. If you are a good mechanic, your car is going to be in perfect condition. I know all the potions and herbs and concoctions to stay young and get rich and so on, so why shouldn’t I use them?
Q: You mention herbs and potions and “so on”. What does “so on” mean?
A: Don’t be a coward, also you. Ask me what you want to ask me.
Q: Okay. Do you sacrifice animals?
A: Yes. Chicken, cows, goats, but especially white roosters. Roosters are like juju Red Bull. Oh, we also sacrifice actual bulls.
Q: Who are your usual clients?
A: Well, my usual clients are people who sign confidentiality agreements, so that is a wasted question.
Q: I don’t mean their names, I mean, generally, what type of person, etc. Like that.
A: Well, when I started I used to get all walks of life, but now that I am expensive I only get rich people. Members of Parliament, city businessmen, pastors…
Q: Pastors? Which ones? Wait. Never mind. I can already guess.
A: Yeah, but don’t say anything. They both paid for a spell so if anyone disses them something nasty will happen.
Q: Something like what?
A: Let’s put it this way: How badly would you like to have dick growing out of your ear?
Q: Ouch. You know what I think? I think there those pastors would never go to witchdoctors and witches and anyone who says so is lying and slandering the shepherd of the flock.
A: Good save.
Q: What about musicians? We hear that your industry is the source of most of Uganda’s pop hits.
A: That is a common misconception that the hits produced by local artists in Uganda come from witchdoctors and witches. But what about the raw Ugandan talent of youth who work hard and… wapi. Who am I kidding. There should even be a Pearl of Africa Music Awards category for witches, after all, we are the ones who make the songs hot.
Q: This interview is going to be posted on Crazynairobian.com and we want it to be a hit there. Could you do a little something to make the Kenyans who read it enjoy it and show love?
A: Okay. Here. Shazzam! You’re welcome.
Q: You uploaded a picture of Juliana off google. That’s not witchcraft!
A: It’s google son. Google IS witchcraft.