We used to know them, they used to know themselves, and now they don’t. Which means we don’t either. Here is a list of some of the people who made the news then but are now used by the news as toilet paper.
Nasser Ntege Seya Sebaggala
He used to be the Mayor of Kampala in charge of misguided English. He became so good at his job that people voted him out of power so that he concentrates on passing his glorious skills to today’s youth.
Today, some of his devoted followers can be heard presenting on various Kampala radio stations.
A one-hit wonder who danced to his only hit so vigorously until it melted and then turned into vapour, together with his career.
He now feeds on rabbits and flavoured yoghurt to revive his career, and sometimes comes back as Michael Ross to test the effects of his experiment.
He used to be a radio presenter and a pastor and an aspiring mayor and everything else on earth and a man. Now he’s a woman who hears voices calling unto him to wear new lipstick every few hours.
Either that or he’ll starve to death and be reincarnated as a deadly watermelon that feeds on dressing mirrors and women’s makeup.
Specioza Wandira Kazibwe
Former Vice President of Uganda who retired after finding her true calling in growing underwear in Iganga district. But when she realized underwear wasn’t an agricultural commodity, she turned to venturing in being aroundaround until Jesus comes back for her like He promised.
A TV and radio presenter famous for hosting shows people watched and listened to when asleep.
He went off scene a little after his American accent boost pills ran out and comes out only when the government is carrying out national censuses and career vaccination exercises.
She used to be the nation’s beloved thief until the man she stole from sued her for stealing without love. After spending thousands of dollars on getting the media’s attention, she ventured into spending thousands of hours in Luzira prison.
She now owns a mobile money shop in the prison premises, but business is not so smooth as she has no mobile or money or even a shop yet. But she dreams of starting it some time become her great grandkid’s 60th birthday, and then later becoming a lawyer as a side business.
A musician whose career rose to its highest in the early nineties when he was featured in Chaka Chaka’s “Mkomboti” as a backup listener.
His success waned significantly when he released the songs “Unleash The Dragon” and “Thong Song” that were initially recorded for the American nursery school curriculum but were somehow leaked to the public.
He now cleans toilets for anyone willing to listen to his music and was recently contracted by NEMA and the Ministry of Health to come and clean toilets in Uganda some time next month.
A loud kick boxer who used to get beaten. After realizing that getting beaten wasn’t as fun and rewarding as the tooth fairies had told him, he got beaten again so that he records it and takes the tape to the fairies just in case they didn’t believe him.
Now he walks everywhere in town looking for where the fairies live so that he hands over the tape.
Her private parts were famous for being shaved by UPDF soldiers and left out in the desert to die.
After a short stint in the Ministry of Disaster Preparedness, she now works in the Ministry of Health as a disease. One of her biggest accomplishments is the recent Ebola epidemic through which she’s partnered with the World Health Organisation to spread her wings.
He’s famous for flaunting millions of dollars that he would later use to hide from the police.
And now he works as a guy who used to be famous for flaunting millions of dollars that he would later use to hide from the police.
Ingrid Boob Turinawe
Her boob made front-page news for being fondled by a breastfeeding police officer. It’s arguably the world’s most famous body party to date after Museveni’s hat.
She works in a gym in Kalerwe as a treadmill. People pay the gym owner to touch her boobs and run away before they are caught.