Mr. Ernest Bazanye? I’m absent, teacher! Mr. Erique Mununuzi? Even me am not here!
Ready with the
baddestworst news? Leggo.
In back news, the boy who won a golden medal for Uganda even if no one actually believed Uganda could pull off such a feat but pretended they cared about him when he actually…you know what? Let’s take this from the top.
In back news, Kiprotich came back home to a kickass welcome worth 200 million shillings from the president, a Porsche 911 ride from the airport, a 2-day stay at Serena Hotel, another wad of big bucks from corporate companies and several forced congratulatory newspapers adverts.
He rolled in with his wifey, kidseys and mummy and daddy, who I’m guessing gave him the running genes by running while conceiving him, plus many other insignificant people who just wanted to appear on camera so people think they know people who know people who know people.
In related news, you’re not a the boy’s relative so stop adding “Kiprotich” to your Facebook & Twitter names.
In reshuffling news, do the shuffle do the shuffle coz it’s the weekend so do the shuffle. But seriously, your president reshuffled the cabinet while Kipiqwqiblxqi made his way to Kampala from Entebbe. Party-poopers just.
Among other very young and youthful newcomers, he brought back celebrated founders of covert theft, Corruption General Sam Kutesa & Corruption Field Marshal John Nasasira. If you have any money on you when you see them, gasp, open your eyes wide in shock and then run for your life. And don’t look back or you’ll turn into stone.
In sausage news, it’s been discovered by city avengers, KCCA that some people without couth are selling fake sausages. The uncouth people apparently get pigs’ intestines and convert them to sausages using VLC .mp3 converter, then tell people to close their eyes and come and buy.
Don’t buy anything with your eyes closed, people. You’ll just look weird and won’t know how much money you’ve given the seller. And then you’ll die and miss Sisqo’s show.
In Zombie Lounge Singer news, compact cassette Judy Boucher travelled all the way from the Mesozoic era to Uganda and failed to personally apologise to all of us for the way she tortured us when our aunt’s neighbors would play that one damn song of hers over and over again simanyi Send Me The Pillow.
This obscene song about pillows was only one of the vaguely pornographic songs that she reprised for a scandalized audience at the Serena before Boucher, of indeterminate origin and purpose, returned to the crypt where her remains are stored.
IncCalling news, athletes in Uganda, galvanized by the voices that have risen to call for more government involvement in sports, following Stephen “Kip” Rotich’s gold medal, have begun to collect pleas for funding in their own disciplines.
Festo Mbwanembizi, head coach of the Kireka International Ludo Team, lead a delegation of Ludo athletes to State House to appeal to government to offer funding to the Ludo sportsmen of Uganda. “We should not wait until one of us wins a gold medal,” said the coach. “Or until Ludo becomes an Olympic sport.”
However, he was brushed aside by Nyamiiro Nyarsha, the five-foot-two fat Zzana resident who was there to ask for funding for her dreams of representing Uganda in the pole vault.
And that’s this week’s news… Piss!