So you’ve all heard by now? MPs have been told that our judges want one billion Uganda shillings to buy 76 wigs.
Firstly, on our Facebook and Twitter pages, we revealed that the average wig on Kampala road goes for twenty thousand shillings, which makes it one million five hundred twenty thousand shillings for seventy-six wigs.
I only put the figures in the above paragraph in words because I don’t want them asking for another one billion shillings to facilitate the translation of the figures into words.
Secondly, Ugandans are good people. We don’t judge books by their covers and we certainly don’t judge judges by their wigs. We think of them highly and, in fact, believe that it’s only rational for every farmer out there to groom their goats, sheep and pigs into becoming good judges some day.
Thirdly, Uganda is a free country. You don’t need a whole one billion shillings to tell people you’re transvestite. Just come out and say it. You may only pay for airtime for radio and TV announcements, some newspaper placements and maybe some phone airtime to call your mother and father.
Or you can just choose to tell the people who enter your court. Even those convicts. Before you sentence them, ask them to approach your bench and whisper, ”Yo, I’m giving you five years in jail and when you get there, help me spread word that I’m transvestite. Go.” You’ll save more money that way.
Fourthly, are you going to refuse to give me a verdict just coz your hair is unkempt? “Er, order in the court please! Sorry for the delay but please remain calm. The judge has gone to the salon for a few minutes.”
But seriously, what are you doing spending one billion shillings on hair? If Lady Gaga were the head of Uganda’s Judiciary, I’d understand. But the chick is probably sleeping right now dreaming of Uganda as some tropical fruit that Idi Amin used to eat.
One billion shillings is money you’d spend on Straka’s hair. Coz she has whole kingdoms and districts in there. But not a judge, dammit! If you’re going to put me in jail and leave my family starving, the least you can do is put that fluffy thing off your head and say it like a man. Being a judge is a serious responsibility, not a sport in the Olympics. Grow up!