First, we wanted to find out what women want. So we sent our investigative ninjas far far far away to an internet café and tasked them with digging up everything on women and other world mysteries.
Our printer ran out of ink and our landlord increased the rent because our research papers overflowed into someone else’s office. And we still couldn’t find what women want.
So like real Ugandans, we just gave up and fabricated stories to make it look like we work.
But our sponsors found out we were lying and threatened to cry. So we sent the ninjas back in time to dig up something easier; what men want.
The ninjas discovered that men want only three things:
1. Something to fill this space.
2. Another thing to fill this space also.
3. And sex.
So in a man’s ideal world, this is how normal dating would go.
Dude: You look very sexual.
Chick: Wow! Thanks!
Dude: Can I take you out for a cup of Viagra later tonight?
Chick: You sound like a cool guy so…okay. Pick me up at eight.
Chick: Kyokka you also! You’re very funny. So what do you do for a living?
Dude: I do.
Chick: Can you do me?
Dude: In my professional opinion, yes, you’re very doable.
Chick: So we go?
Dude: We go.
Dude: Baby, every time I look you, my heart skips a beat and I get a boner. Without you, my penis is nothing. You make me horny. I want to wake up with you by my side every morning and we have sex. Sugar, I guess what I’m trying to say is…will you…
Chick: (Gasp) Oh my God!
Dude: Will you be my exclusive sexual partner?
Chick: OH MY GOD!!! Yes, baby! YES!!!
Meeting the parents
Dad: So things have become serious, huh?
Chick: Yes, daddy. He even threw out his porn DVDs.
Dude: Thank you, sir. In fact, I built a house so that the neighbours don’t hear us.
Dad: Good. How big is it?
Dude: I thought you’d never ask. About 7 inches. And that’s even before I look at her.
Chick: He means the house, sweetie.
Dude: Oh. I don’t know. But it looks big. Heheh…gerrit?
Dad: (Blank stare).
Priest: Do you want to have sex with this man?
Chick: I do.
Priest: What about you? Do you want to have sex with this woman?
Dude: I do.
Priest: By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and sexual partner. You may use that room in the back.