“This is my attempt at becoming a SuperSport Commentator. I know I have it in me, no matter what you think or say (Chuckle).” – Ernest Bazanye impostor.
Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie, also known as Soon-To-Be-Former-Arsenal-Striker Robin Van Persie is in a bar right now as you read this, fondling a warm beer with his left hand because all beer in the UK is served warm, and staring at a TV screen showing The Inbetweeners, a British version of The Hostel.
(We pause here to offer our congratulations to Hope and Gilo, who got kwanjulad over the weekend, and offer our condolences to Patra. As for Jessica, suck it, you conniving bitch.)
Van Persie is about to lose his job because, according to leading analysts, he jammed to join the team on their Asian games tour, particularly refusing to go to Malaysia. According to a twitter account, the reason he gave was “geen commentaar” which, according to our translator, is Dutch for “Malaysia can kiss my ass. In fact, why stop there? Malaysia can slobber all over my designer boxers, Malaysia can drench them in drool, Malaysia can eat my shorts. Van Persie don’t give a dizzam.”
The full reasons for the foofaraw are not clear as yet, but our panel of expert sports analysts have compiled a list of leading candidates:
- The last time he was in Malaysia was nine months ago when he met a nice young lady (who just so happened to be a high-class call girl) and last week she changed her facebook profile picture to that of a newborn baby.
- He has watched Shaolin Soccer and is afraid of playing football against Asians.
- He has watched movies from Asia. Those DVDs of theirs? He is afraid that if he is in Malaysia when The Dark Knight Rises premiers he will be forced to watch it on camera copy, because he thinks even their cinemas show CCs.
Will he then be unemployed? Well, much like my situation when I left Chic magazine in 1999, there are many clubs vying for him, and even his boss Arsene Wenger (aka Soon-To-Be-Former boss Arsene Wenger) called him a “world class player”. Wenger made this statement two seconds after saying “He is a world class wanker. What? Is this microphone on already? I meant…”
Unofficial reports say that negotiations to keep him at Arsenal were in advanced stages of deciding what item Van Persie can shove up what orifice and how far have not been confirmed or denied.