Monday Massacres: Things Of Greeting People

By • Jul 16th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

Hi. How are you? You’re good? This is a common ritual most people have to go through even when they don’t give a pickle of shit about each other. Not even if you get the shit and cellotape it to their backs and tell them to walk in a shitty way while singing an R.Kelly song about giving a shit.


Personally, I use it for ten reasons:


  • As a conversation starter. “Hi. How are you? Wow, you reply well. Can we be friends?”


  • To avoid being gossiped about. “That gu-boy feels sweet on people”.


  • As a prelude to asking for a favour. If you don’t give me the favour, you have to give me my greeting back.


  • Hoping you won’t take me seriously.


  • To test if you’re an alien. Many aliens disguise themselves as humans who can greet and then they live and breed among us. Scientists call them Aliens That Are Not From Earth But Rather From Outer Space, but the aliens insisted on just a simple “aliens”. They took it to court and were temporarily given the name “Politicians” while they battle it out.


  • To pass time. Have you ever spent all of two seconds doing nothing? Oh, the agony! You sit and stare blankly for one microsecond, two microseconds, three…you wish away the time in vain. But when you greet someone, time slips by so fast, you wonder how you just spent two seconds of your life without even realizing it.


  • Crazy stuff, right? Something about the time-space greeting continuum.


  • To gauge your intellect. They say that people who greet back have a higher chance of spelling the word “great” wrong. Sometimes they even think it’s the past tense of greet. “I great him yesterday,” they sit on their university hostel beds and grandiosely proclaim.


  • To check if I know someone. If I greet them, that’s how I know I definitely know them from somewhere.


  • To enact revenge. If you do something bad to me, I greet you to rob you of the joy of not being greeted.



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