By Ninja Gerald Ainomugisha a.k.a Six Wheeler
In a shocking horrific discovery, residents of Kimbejja village in Kyaliwajjala woke up to the shocking discovery of the mutilated dead body of a chicken. The steaming corpse was found lying in a pool of blood-red tomato sauce on a plate belonging to his human housemate. The deceased was identified as Mr Mulyakasooli and is survived by 3 hen-widows, 2 ex-wives, 15 chicks and 10 eggs.
In what seems like a scene taken straight out of SAW, detectives came up with this as the most likely account of the gruesome crime; the suspect decapitated the deceased and chopped him up into pieces with a sharp object before proceeding to deep fry in hot oil. The corpse was also found to be missing feathers.
Witnesses RUM talked to claimed that the suspect had established a friendship with the dead chicken, as he was seen regularly feeding it some of his left-over katogo. On the fateful day, he was seen chasing the poor bird around his compound.
“Nigga, I saw the hommie chasin the bird but dude, I was like they gotta be playin coz they been kinda tight lately, no w’am sayin?” That was the account we got from MC Cool Cow, the suspect’s bovine neighbour.
Mr Wankoko, the chicken representative on the LC 1 committee has strongly condemned the crime saying, “It is very unfortunate that we are still witnessing such barbaric acts against members of our species in this era of equality and freedom.”
He also added that the murder was very likely to compromise the delicate peace between the humans and chicken of Kyaliwajjala and that it could have drastic economic effects on the township. Kyaliwajjala Active Chiken In Trade Association (KACITA) has threatened to start hoarding eggs, a move that would deal quite a blow to the township’s GDP.
The suspect who narrowly survived lynching by a mob of violent chicken has been locked away and faces the possibility of being sentenced to 25 years of dodo and katunkuma. He seemed rather mentally disturbed as he shouted over and over, “Lwaki munzibako enkoko yange?!!” (Luganda for “Why do you steal my chicken you guys also you?”) Despite this, the police took the corpse to Mulago mortuary for a post mortem.
A photo of the dead chicken. (Warning: Picture might be too graphic).