By Ninja Michael Kyeyune
The new Spiderman movie is just about the corner and it’s got people thinking: Why don’t I get bitten by radioactive insects (commonly known as Nsanafu)? Why don’t I get to put on cool underwear uniforms like Superman? How can I get Cat Woman’s number? Why cant I be a Superhero? Here are seven reasons why Superman wont share his underwear with you and probably why Cat Woman wont call back.
1. You don’t know the difference between right and wrong.
As the saying goes, “With great power comes many a chance to impress the girl next door and the right time to quit on education” by many Ugandan ministers back in their day. To prove my point let me ask two questions as copied off tests set at The International University of Superheroness found in the States.
Qn.1 You walk into a bank and suddenly have the to rob the bank. Do you;
A. Rob the bank?
B. Fight the mind control Prof. Xavier has on you?
Qn.2 You find yourself in a situation whereby you have to save Kim Kardashian or Kanye West. Do you:
A. Save Kim first, get her number and take her out for lunch before saving Kanye?
B. Just ignore Kanye?
If the answer to both questions is B then you probably have no friends and live a life of solitude. You’re a jackass.
2. Can’t fit in the uniform.
Honestly, how many of you can fit in Spidey’s tights? Or Superman’s underwear? As for the ladies, I’m told mentioning Cat Woman is a touchy topic around you.
3. You’re black.
Here’s the thing about superpowers and don’t say I didn’t warn you; Superpowers are racist. And they probably figure that as a black you’re mutation enough.
4. You’re broke.
Quick, check your pockets! Now throw away the thread coming from its being torn and dig deeper! Do you feel that hole? Yes, you’re broke. Otherwise you’d be going to work in Batmobile dressed in an Ironman suit.
5. Lack of prerequisites.
Your parents aren’t aliens, however much they act like it. You don’t have dead parents with lots of money, dead parents who apparently were geniuses and experimented on you out of love, and just plain dead parents and mutant parents.
6. Lack a Supervillain.
Let’s be honest. Who are you going to fight? It’s not like there are Jokers walking round the place. Potholes perhaps? UMEME maybe? UPDF? Those guys are invincible! No one wants you dead. Yet. Just go home.
7. You’re not in the US.
This is Uganda. Our heroes are on “Agataliiko Nfuufu”.