By Ninjaress MoRoots
So the trend that caught my eye on twitter this week was #ICantDateYou… people proceeded to let rip of reasons why they won’t date people. Several ideas sprouted like green beans to my head: “because you are shorter than me”, “you only have one eye”, “because you have toes are ugly”, “you don’t wear socks with trainers”…
But I can only elaborate on a few…
#ICantDateYou if you suffer from bipolar disorder. If one minute you shall love me tender and give me sweet kisses then in the next second proceed to thrust me against the wall screaming f**kingskankwhoref**kingf**kf**kiloveyou… we are going to have a problem. I realize this is quite the extreme of scenario, however, what I mean is that I will not date you if you’re hot and cold, day and night, winter and summer in the same sentence. A little consistency goes a long way. No one wants to be treading on their tiptoes around your ass for fear of saying or doing something that will incite violence.
#ICantDateYou if you’re not loved by my family. Now, this is an especially personal for, because family and I are TIGHT. I love no one more than my family, my siblings are my best friends and if you wanna hang with me, you must be able to hang with them. Please do not expect me to put you before any of them because you will most probably be disappointed every time. But lucky for you, my family are just as awesome as I am, and if I like you, they most likely will…
#ICantDateYou if you send one-worded texts. This shit is just plain irritating and it shall force me to never text you back. In my head, texting is a conversation taking place because we are separated by space. SO if our conversation FACE TO FACE GOES LIKE THIS:
Me: How was your day babe?
Him: Oh, fine baby, had a long day at work boo, my boss was on my ass the whole day… (Notice how my boyfriend calls me baby and boo)
THEN WHY SHOULD THIS BE THE TEXT VERSION:
Me: How was your day babe?
Hmph. I shall passive aggressively (although I don’t really know how aggressive this comes across) reply your one-worded answer with a 3 paged essay that resolves with a series of several questions, leaving your ass TRAPPED to answer me back properly!
Me: So what you got planned for tomorrow? You wanna get drinks? What time do you finish work?
Now, if you are dating the ultimate asshole this is what you’ll get in return:
Him: Nothing. No. 5.
At which point I shall reply with two words: F**K YOU.
#ICantDateYou if you don’t like cuddling and giving hugs. I AM A HUGGER. The tighter the better, the longer the better! I also like to hold on to your arm and particularly enjoying sitting on a couch hugging aka cuddling. So, if you are one of these “you’re in my personal space” types, we have problems, as when it comes to cuddling time, I know no concept of personal space. Your space, is mine, your chest will be my pillow, I shall caress your arm and you shall love it 😀
#ICantDateYou if you are married already. I don’t know what else to say really. This seems pretty self explanatory.
#ICantDateYou if you’re a hoe. Everyone has a past. No, scratch that. It’s not true. Not everyone has a past. Maybe what I mean to say is that we’ve all done things in our past, fair enough, no judgment, you were young, you were excited about hitting puberty, you got excited that your voice broke, your testicles dropped, you felt it necessary to ensure that they were producing the things they were supposed to be producing. GREAT. Remind me why you have then continued to go around humping everything that wears a skirt? I leave such behavior for the likes of my German Shepherd… because he is a dog. Take your loose balls and sloppy tongue elsewhere.
#ICantDateYou if you take life too seriously and get embarrassed too quickly. I laugh loud, as afore mentioned I give hugs not handshakes, I hold people on their arms (especially when they are big arms), I stand up and do impressions, SO if you are one of those always cringing-can’t take a joke – hiding in embarrassment types… I have only this to say: to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left.
#ICantDateYou if you don’t like music. I feel like this doesn’t deserve an explanation, but I shall explain. I eat music, drink it, sleep with it, I have musician friends (I feel to name drop but I shall resist the temptation :-D). Music is a part of me, so if you have the audacity to step into a room and tell me to turn off the music or to stop playing the piano… eh. You’re balls are big, but unwanted. So please extend away from me.
#ICantDateYou if you want to be all up in my business all the time… talking about where are you? Who you with? When you coming home? Why didn’t you invite me? Please have your own life. Go hang out with your guy friends for a day, I’ll meet you later. It is unattractive to be needy or suspicious.
The list can genuinely go on for another 3 pages, as this topic has been trending 4 days now 😀 BUT let’s end it on a positive note… I WILL DATE YOU if you love life, live life and make me laugh.