Have you heard of Riggy Spanks? If not, it is probably because you are not involved in Kampala city’s sprawling drug network system, but he is pretty famous around here as a sort of kingpin. Riggy Spanks is the only crack dealer in Uganda.
Unfortunately, due to the ready availability of marijuana and waragi, coupled with the prevailing economic sausage, Riggy Spanks is not exactly balling like Rick Ross—the real Rick Ross, not the one who pretends on TV. He is, on the contrary, dirt broke.
However, much like Rick Ross—the fake Rick Ross, the one who used to beat drug dealers and drug dealers’ customers heads in with a nightstick while they were buggering each other in the prison he patrolled, Riggy Spanks has dreams of being a music star.
He has even recorded a number of songs and given a number of radio deejays illicit sexual favours in a bid to get exposure, but the problem, and even he will freely admit it, is that he just doesn’t have the talent.
This is why yesterday’s downpour was such great news to the young man.
We all know where Uganda’s prodigious music talent comes from, right? Correct. It comes from the lake. However, Riggy Spanks has never been able to get to the lake, due to one major factor: he cannot afford the taxi fare.
The crack game isn’t like the rap game (Otherwise the real Rick Ross would be richer than the fake Rick Ross) and this is more true in Uganda. The dealer never has any money. He can’t find customers so he ends up smoking his own product, which makes it doubly hard to find either the money for a taxi to take him to any lakeshore. Entebbe wala nnyo, as musicians said before the lake era.
So when he heard that the lake had come to him, he was elated.
He ran to the nearest taxi stage and quickly bartered an illicit sexual favour for a free ride to Jinja Road roadabout, where the floods were reportedly deepest.
Unfortunately the taxi could not make it through the rain.
So he jumped out and, without wasting time, offered a bodaboda a free crack rock for a ride to Jinja Road roundabout. Unfortunately, the boda pilot was a boda pilot, so he was already high, and did not need any crack. So Riggy Spanks bartered another illicit sexual favour for the ride and set off.
Sadly, the boda capsized before the got there, so Riggy Spanks had no option but to run the rest of the way.
And when he finally got to the new lake, he drew out the two eggs he had stolen from Mama Kombi’s bedroom while she slept after he had given her a sexual favour in exchange for room and board (her chickens lived in the same room. And liked to watch). As any one well versed with the workings of the local music industry knows, you use white eggs to get into the lake. Pshhht. Everybody knows this.
Lightning struck. The waters parted. In a flash Riggy Spanks vanished underneath the waves. Had success come at last?
We will find out next time you tune into your radio.