East African budgets were read yesterday. Yay us! First, let’s share some insights from the panel of experts abducted from St. Bright Parents Day & Boarding Preparatory SSS in Mutundwe and assembled at ULK headquarters.
We asked them about the 2012/13 Uganda budget.
Mbiriizi Fiona, P4
- Do you know about the budget?
- My mummy she bought me Budget Exercise Books for last term but now she bought for me new ones which they are white.
Senoga Tom, S.2
- Do you think it will raise the country’s GDP?
Okot Morris, S.6
- Did the budget meet your expectations?
- It’s good but pretty ambitious, so no. The economic projections alone are unrealistic. Sure we’ll see a lot of infrastructural development but how many times have they promised this? And our economic growth stands at 2.5%, not 3.2% as the minister said.
- Are you going to answer the question or just keep bragging?
Akello Faith, P.7
- What do you think of the budget?
- The teacher on duty switched off the TV and told us to go to class. Have they increased money for entering club?
The experts had to run back to school but if I were president, which I always am when sleeping, none of these stupid ministries would have received a single shilling.
They’ve shown that for 26 years they can’t control money. So I would have grabbed the briefcase from my Finance Minister, told her to go play in the car or something and redrafted the budget as follows:
Mobile phone company promotions: 80% cut.
The adverts are becoming too many. Now I receive free airtime and can’t tell which network sent it to who.
Large Plasma/LCD/LED screen TV imports: 66% cut.
People need to start buying small TV screens. It’s the only way to cut Straka’s weight so that comedians who are not even funny stop unfairly throwing jibes at her.
Baby production by Ugandan music artistes: 42% increase.
The older our local artistes get, the crappier their songs become. We’re happy that they are giving birth to their successors but they are not doing it fast enough. They need a boost.
Load shedding: 90% increase.
Government and UMEME tell us that power shortages are now at zero. This is supposed to be good news but the problem is load shedding had become part of us. Like some sort of national symbol. Without it, there’s no Uganda. We want it back.
Elections: 100% cut.
Just to make sure everyone likes my financial policies. I fought in many bush wars to earn it. I won two games in Call Of Duty and recently completed thirteen levels of Super Mario.